It is the close of another year. 2007 has come and gone. It is hard to believe and impossible to describe all the ups and downs, high and lows, victories and disappointments. Above all and before anything else, I have to acknowledge that through it all, my Lord and Savior has never
left my side and never let me down. I have been so blessed to have been brought through the fire yet again to see the beginning of another calendar year, another survivor year. We are still fighting the fight, leading the charge, showing the way in the ever-evolving field of metastatic breast cancer treatments. Just when I seemed to run out of options, Ixempra was approved and I am doing well on my third round. Which leads us to the issue of trust.
Twice over the past 7 years, I have clearly heard the Lord say the very same thing in the very same quizzical whisper. Once, in the spring of 2004, I was in my attic, sorting some clothes for the coming summer season and setting aside some clothes for charity. Without thinking, I started putting summer shorts, sleeveless tanks, and a bathing suit or two in the charity pile. I know why I was doing that.....at the time I did not see myself as needing those things again. I was metastatic.....I did not know how my treatments would go or for how long.
I was even thinking that I may not be at the lake again, on a beach, on in a boat or taking walks for exercise. By the simple act of giving those clothes away, a small part of me was giving in. And then I heard the voice...barely a whisper..."Don't you trust me?" I immediately took the clothes out of the charity pile at took them downstairs to my chest of drawers. He was right, I did still need them. I do still wear some of them.
Just after Thanksgiving this year, I heard the same words again. I had just gone through the terrible skin-peeling side effects of too much chemo and my hair was shedding heavily. I decided that this go-around I was going to invest in a human hair wig. Those of you who are familiar with these wigs know that they are very expensive. As I was trying on the wig, which looked so much like my hair from 7 years ago, He said again, "don't you trust me?" For an instant, I almost didn't buy the daggone thing, but my ego got in the way. I liked the way the wig looked, and I didn't want to wait for my hair to fall all the way out. So I bought that wig and a funny thing happened. My hair stopped coming out. In fact, even though my eyebrows have thinned, my hair continues to grow. Amazing. I may end up losing my hair eventually, but that wig sits on my dresser as a reminder of money spent too soon and maybe wasted because I still,
in my weakest moments cannot let go and just TRUST.
2008 is here and I do not know what it will bring. I do know that my resolution, my mantra will be to trust; trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. Amen
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
The Pursuit
"God will go to great lengths to pursue His lost children, " my friend Deb told me on the phone. "He is not pursuing you because He already has your heart. But he will use you to get to others who do not know that their salvation lies within His Son, Christ Jesus."
Somehow, those were not the comforting words I had hoped for. I was having a little pity party over the fact that I had heard about a divine healing of lung cancer that had happened in Conway, SC. A woman had driven 12 hours from Florida to Conway and sat for 12 more hours during a conference, participated in praise and worship and congregational prayers of healing
and at the end of the weekend, guess what? God had performed a miracle in her body. That very week her scans showed only one small, necrotic (dead) lesion left in one lung. Her doctor told her that she had gone from advanced stages of lung cancer to none. Holy moley! I heard a recording of her voice mail she had left a member of my church who had sat beside her. It was electrifying. What a testimony she will have; what glory she can bring to God!
At first, I was so excited about this news. God had not forgotten those of us who fight this awful disease on a daily basis. Healing of cancer is something that everyone tends to have skepticism about and here it was, documented in the next state over. WOW. Except I didn't feel "wow" for long. I began to feel discouraged, doubtful and resentful. I was still in the midst of a terrible war, suffering daily from various side effects of treatment and I was suddenly questioning God's choices. Why??? Because the woman who received healing was Jewish. Not someone like me, who is faithful, prayerful and a devout believer in the power of the Lord Jesus, but a member of the group who rejected my Lord and crucified Him on a cross. Ouch. Why her...why not me when so many faithful pray for me everyday, constantly and fervently. I took too long of a look inside myself and my circumstances and came out down, depressed and disappointed.
And so, this lead to a phone conversation with my friend, who in her always-wise and gentle way reminded my that God is most concerned about our eternal life, not our human time on earth.
He is constantly pursuing His children to make sure that they come home at the end of their physical existence. He will go to the ends of the earth to find those He loves and use whatever method necessary to give them their place in paradise. On the one hand, He will heal a Jewish woman and then on the other, use a devout woman's continual battle with cancer to convict and convince the stray sheep that their salvation lies with Him.
God loves us SO much, he gave his one and only Son for us. So, if you know me, if we cross paths and you do not know Jesus as your Savior, ponder this: Are you the person that God is pursuing through my living witness?? Are you the lost one that Jesus wants to touch through
my battles? If you think you are, then praise God and Hallelujah! You could receive the greatest gift of you entire life if you listen to those whispers of the Lord and accept what He has done for you. Even though there are times when I would rather not be the method of the pursuit, I am so blessed by the very idea that God would use me to get to you. He thinks that you are so worth the effort and, my beloved lost little lamb, so do I.
"How great is the love Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are..." 1 John 3:1
Somehow, those were not the comforting words I had hoped for. I was having a little pity party over the fact that I had heard about a divine healing of lung cancer that had happened in Conway, SC. A woman had driven 12 hours from Florida to Conway and sat for 12 more hours during a conference, participated in praise and worship and congregational prayers of healing
and at the end of the weekend, guess what? God had performed a miracle in her body. That very week her scans showed only one small, necrotic (dead) lesion left in one lung. Her doctor told her that she had gone from advanced stages of lung cancer to none. Holy moley! I heard a recording of her voice mail she had left a member of my church who had sat beside her. It was electrifying. What a testimony she will have; what glory she can bring to God!
At first, I was so excited about this news. God had not forgotten those of us who fight this awful disease on a daily basis. Healing of cancer is something that everyone tends to have skepticism about and here it was, documented in the next state over. WOW. Except I didn't feel "wow" for long. I began to feel discouraged, doubtful and resentful. I was still in the midst of a terrible war, suffering daily from various side effects of treatment and I was suddenly questioning God's choices. Why??? Because the woman who received healing was Jewish. Not someone like me, who is faithful, prayerful and a devout believer in the power of the Lord Jesus, but a member of the group who rejected my Lord and crucified Him on a cross. Ouch. Why her...why not me when so many faithful pray for me everyday, constantly and fervently. I took too long of a look inside myself and my circumstances and came out down, depressed and disappointed.
And so, this lead to a phone conversation with my friend, who in her always-wise and gentle way reminded my that God is most concerned about our eternal life, not our human time on earth.
He is constantly pursuing His children to make sure that they come home at the end of their physical existence. He will go to the ends of the earth to find those He loves and use whatever method necessary to give them their place in paradise. On the one hand, He will heal a Jewish woman and then on the other, use a devout woman's continual battle with cancer to convict and convince the stray sheep that their salvation lies with Him.
God loves us SO much, he gave his one and only Son for us. So, if you know me, if we cross paths and you do not know Jesus as your Savior, ponder this: Are you the person that God is pursuing through my living witness?? Are you the lost one that Jesus wants to touch through
my battles? If you think you are, then praise God and Hallelujah! You could receive the greatest gift of you entire life if you listen to those whispers of the Lord and accept what He has done for you. Even though there are times when I would rather not be the method of the pursuit, I am so blessed by the very idea that God would use me to get to you. He thinks that you are so worth the effort and, my beloved lost little lamb, so do I.
"How great is the love Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are..." 1 John 3:1
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Ambush
It was truly an ambush. There it sat in the bottom of my overnight bag. How long had it been there, waiting for me to look down and discover it in hiding? How long had I not even thought about it, much less, needed it. But there it was, still packed from a trip I must have taken many months before.
How could such a small and simple object send me into an instant and overwhelming crying jag?
After all I had been through and was about to face, what was it about this one thing that brought such sadness to me, crumbling my hard rock wall of resolve, resistance, faith, and belief? Such a small and simple object.
Those of you who have been where I was at this time of ambush will understand. After months of staying strong, enduring surgery, pain, chemo, worry and fear. After putting on my best face, maintaining that all-important positive attitude and faith in my loving and wonderful God, it took a simple curling iron in the bottom of my luggage to bring me to my knees. It was the end of October and I had not had any reason to use a curling iron since the end of June. I would not need a curling iron for many more months to come. But at that moment of ambush, I missed
the mere need to have to curl my hair, wash my hair, dry my hair......have hair. I wanted to
use gel and mousse and fuss about my bangs. I longed for the smell of shampoo and hairspray.
After months of saying "it's only hair, and it will grow back", it became a lot more than that. It was my beautiful, thick and enviable hair and I wanted it back.
So I had my cry, left the curling iron in my overnight bag, and got on with the battle. I did use that curling iron again. I still have it, although I have not always had enough hair to use it over these past years. It is still a reminder that sometimes the simple little things can trigger the biggest responses. Then you cry, leave it where it is, and get on with life.
I have to believe that everyone who fights this disease has had their own ambush. The trick is how we react to this unplanned attack. We cannot let an ambush put us under or set us back. We certainly cannot let an ambush defeat us. We must pick ourselves up off the floor of despair and put our faith in God's Word which is always greater than any circumstances, symptoms, or ambush. There is always a verse, a scripture or a story in the Book to pull you up and out of the pit. Just remember to "be of good cheer: for I believe God, that it shall be even as it was told me." Acts 27:25
How could such a small and simple object send me into an instant and overwhelming crying jag?
After all I had been through and was about to face, what was it about this one thing that brought such sadness to me, crumbling my hard rock wall of resolve, resistance, faith, and belief? Such a small and simple object.
Those of you who have been where I was at this time of ambush will understand. After months of staying strong, enduring surgery, pain, chemo, worry and fear. After putting on my best face, maintaining that all-important positive attitude and faith in my loving and wonderful God, it took a simple curling iron in the bottom of my luggage to bring me to my knees. It was the end of October and I had not had any reason to use a curling iron since the end of June. I would not need a curling iron for many more months to come. But at that moment of ambush, I missed
the mere need to have to curl my hair, wash my hair, dry my hair......have hair. I wanted to
use gel and mousse and fuss about my bangs. I longed for the smell of shampoo and hairspray.
After months of saying "it's only hair, and it will grow back", it became a lot more than that. It was my beautiful, thick and enviable hair and I wanted it back.
So I had my cry, left the curling iron in my overnight bag, and got on with the battle. I did use that curling iron again. I still have it, although I have not always had enough hair to use it over these past years. It is still a reminder that sometimes the simple little things can trigger the biggest responses. Then you cry, leave it where it is, and get on with life.
I have to believe that everyone who fights this disease has had their own ambush. The trick is how we react to this unplanned attack. We cannot let an ambush put us under or set us back. We certainly cannot let an ambush defeat us. We must pick ourselves up off the floor of despair and put our faith in God's Word which is always greater than any circumstances, symptoms, or ambush. There is always a verse, a scripture or a story in the Book to pull you up and out of the pit. Just remember to "be of good cheer: for I believe God, that it shall be even as it was told me." Acts 27:25
Monday, December 10, 2007
Happy Birthday to Me
This week marks a couple of milestones for me. Six years ago today, after three days of high-dose radiation and three nights in the hospital, I received my autologous stem-cell transplant.
When those clean little stem-cells were dripping back into my bloodstream, the nurse told me this was my second birthday. This coming Saturday the 15th of December 2007 will be my real birthday and I will be 52.
Somewhere between hoping for a cure and praying for healing, I have managed to be blessed with a wonderful life for the past 6 1/2 years. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been all a bed of roses. There have been times when I just wanted it to all end because I was so tired of the stress, worry, sickness, hurt, and disappointments. I was tired of feeling 92 instead of 52.
But then, as now, God always found a way, a person, an event, a turn-around of some kind, to teach me a lesson, enrich my life, inspire deeper and greater love for family and friends, give me hope and keep me going. Today, I read a devotion that talks about keeping your eyes on the answer. The scripture that the devotions quotes is from Genesis 22:4 and 5 where Abraham
is looking up to the place where he will willingly sacrifice his son, Isaac, as God has asked.
Abraham, tells his servants to wait at the base of the mountain while "...I and the boy will go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you." (ital. mine) Abraham has no doubt that no matter what is to happen on the sacrificial site, he and his son will both be coming back. God had made a promise to Abraham, and he knew God would keep that promise.
So whether my body feels "normal" and painless, or I am sick or I am tired and hurting, I have to keep my eyes focused on God's healing promises at work in me. When, over the past almost seven years, we have consulted, computed, diagnosed, scanned, infused, ingested, and experimented: underlying any and all battleplans have been the promises. To have come so far
and still be fighting a continual, slow progression of disease with all our strengths and resources, I could easily have given up on the ability of my medical team to try and find another way to keep me going. I could have easily said "enough", particularly after the stem-cell transplant did not prevent the disease from finding its way back into my bones, lungs, and life. But the amazing thing is, no one else...not one doctor, one nurse, one family member or friend or co-worker....NO ONE as ever told me they thought it was enough. God has surrounded me with warriors that when I am at my weakest, they are at their best. No matter how grim and how discouraging some days have been, we are all standing firm on the promises that God has made to me. And whether they know it or believe it, God constantly performs in my life.
So, when I go about this week, Christmas shopping, finishing up the decorations, sending out cards and going out to dinner on Saturday night, it is all "Happy Birthday to Me". Happy birthday to me from all the ones who have been living my life with me to the fullest. I am so very, very grateful to all of you. God knew what He was doing when He put you in my life, my circumstances and I can't thank Him enough. I want you to all know that you help me every day to keep my eyes on the Answer...Jesus and the Word...filled with the promise and hope of many more birthdays to come and life everlasting. Amen
When those clean little stem-cells were dripping back into my bloodstream, the nurse told me this was my second birthday. This coming Saturday the 15th of December 2007 will be my real birthday and I will be 52.
Somewhere between hoping for a cure and praying for healing, I have managed to be blessed with a wonderful life for the past 6 1/2 years. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been all a bed of roses. There have been times when I just wanted it to all end because I was so tired of the stress, worry, sickness, hurt, and disappointments. I was tired of feeling 92 instead of 52.
But then, as now, God always found a way, a person, an event, a turn-around of some kind, to teach me a lesson, enrich my life, inspire deeper and greater love for family and friends, give me hope and keep me going. Today, I read a devotion that talks about keeping your eyes on the answer. The scripture that the devotions quotes is from Genesis 22:4 and 5 where Abraham
is looking up to the place where he will willingly sacrifice his son, Isaac, as God has asked.
Abraham, tells his servants to wait at the base of the mountain while "...I and the boy will go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you." (ital. mine) Abraham has no doubt that no matter what is to happen on the sacrificial site, he and his son will both be coming back. God had made a promise to Abraham, and he knew God would keep that promise.
So whether my body feels "normal" and painless, or I am sick or I am tired and hurting, I have to keep my eyes focused on God's healing promises at work in me. When, over the past almost seven years, we have consulted, computed, diagnosed, scanned, infused, ingested, and experimented: underlying any and all battleplans have been the promises. To have come so far
and still be fighting a continual, slow progression of disease with all our strengths and resources, I could easily have given up on the ability of my medical team to try and find another way to keep me going. I could have easily said "enough", particularly after the stem-cell transplant did not prevent the disease from finding its way back into my bones, lungs, and life. But the amazing thing is, no one else...not one doctor, one nurse, one family member or friend or co-worker....NO ONE as ever told me they thought it was enough. God has surrounded me with warriors that when I am at my weakest, they are at their best. No matter how grim and how discouraging some days have been, we are all standing firm on the promises that God has made to me. And whether they know it or believe it, God constantly performs in my life.
So, when I go about this week, Christmas shopping, finishing up the decorations, sending out cards and going out to dinner on Saturday night, it is all "Happy Birthday to Me". Happy birthday to me from all the ones who have been living my life with me to the fullest. I am so very, very grateful to all of you. God knew what He was doing when He put you in my life, my circumstances and I can't thank Him enough. I want you to all know that you help me every day to keep my eyes on the Answer...Jesus and the Word...filled with the promise and hope of many more birthdays to come and life everlasting. Amen
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Skin for Skin
Do you ever feel like Job??? When you think you have it bad...when your hair is falling out, when your are nauseous, have mouth sores...when diarrhea won't let you leave your house,
when your side effects threaten to cover you up and kill your spirit, pull out your Bible and read the book of Job.
Now Job was a good and righteous man who lost everything during a battle between Satan and God over whether Job was a "blameless and upright man who fears God and shuns evil." (Job 1:8) Job faced many tests, lost his entire family, and suffered great physical afflictions and he refused, despite urgings from his wife and his friends, to "curse God and die" (2:9) Here is a man who God acknowledges as His most faithful, and yet is allowed to be put through years of torment by Satan and countless arguements from his friends. It is a hard book to read and harder yet to understand why.
But the Bible is always there for God to teach us, mold us, encourage us, change us. Recently,
I had a little taste of being Job. Through a series of chemotherapies that were given to me, perhaps a little too close together, perhaps a little too strongly, I developed one whopper of a side effect. My skin, on most of my thighs, buttocks, back and underarms became "burned"
and peeled off, leaving painful and large, open sores on some of the areas. It was perhaps one of the worst things I had experienced in my seven years of treatment. It was hard to take and harder yet to understand.
But then I remembered Job and his affliction of his second test. (Chapter 2) If you look at verse
4, Satan says, "Skin for skin!" Satan was convinced that if he were to strike a man's flesh that the man would surely curse God. So Job was afflicted with "painful sores from the soles of his feet to the top of his head." (2:7) And what does Job do? He says "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" and he continues to defend God, praise God, remain faithful and patient
for 40 more chapters of challenges, questions and torment. Wow.
I know without a doubt that neither cancer nor its ugly off-shooting treatment afflictions come from God. I know that He intends for us to be healthy and healed and live a long life. Our true test of faith is when Satan and circumstance put us in a position to either curse or praise, give up or go on, go under or live above it. Can we be like Job and not blame God for wrongdoings?
Can we say "the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised"? (1:21)
When you are suffering through your own "skin for skin", take heart in two things:
First, the ending for Job was spectacular. The Lord rewarded his faithfulness by "blessing the latter part of Job's life more than the first",(42:12) and he "lived a hundred and forty years". (42:16) Secondly, because of the the wonderful mercy of this same God, we now have someone who hung on the cross and took our Job-like tests for us. He passed with flying colors. He offers our ultimate healing, redemption and life everlasting. He knew what my side effect felt like and was there every painful second. I will never go anywhere in all this that He hasn't already been.
Christ is our true hope, our rock and our redeemer. With Him on our side, what can man (or Satan) do to us?? So above all PRAISE HIM. No matter what your affliction is right now, God is still as worthy today as He was back in the day of Job.
when your side effects threaten to cover you up and kill your spirit, pull out your Bible and read the book of Job.
Now Job was a good and righteous man who lost everything during a battle between Satan and God over whether Job was a "blameless and upright man who fears God and shuns evil." (Job 1:8) Job faced many tests, lost his entire family, and suffered great physical afflictions and he refused, despite urgings from his wife and his friends, to "curse God and die" (2:9) Here is a man who God acknowledges as His most faithful, and yet is allowed to be put through years of torment by Satan and countless arguements from his friends. It is a hard book to read and harder yet to understand why.
But the Bible is always there for God to teach us, mold us, encourage us, change us. Recently,
I had a little taste of being Job. Through a series of chemotherapies that were given to me, perhaps a little too close together, perhaps a little too strongly, I developed one whopper of a side effect. My skin, on most of my thighs, buttocks, back and underarms became "burned"
and peeled off, leaving painful and large, open sores on some of the areas. It was perhaps one of the worst things I had experienced in my seven years of treatment. It was hard to take and harder yet to understand.
But then I remembered Job and his affliction of his second test. (Chapter 2) If you look at verse
4, Satan says, "Skin for skin!" Satan was convinced that if he were to strike a man's flesh that the man would surely curse God. So Job was afflicted with "painful sores from the soles of his feet to the top of his head." (2:7) And what does Job do? He says "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" and he continues to defend God, praise God, remain faithful and patient
for 40 more chapters of challenges, questions and torment. Wow.
I know without a doubt that neither cancer nor its ugly off-shooting treatment afflictions come from God. I know that He intends for us to be healthy and healed and live a long life. Our true test of faith is when Satan and circumstance put us in a position to either curse or praise, give up or go on, go under or live above it. Can we be like Job and not blame God for wrongdoings?
Can we say "the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised"? (1:21)
When you are suffering through your own "skin for skin", take heart in two things:
First, the ending for Job was spectacular. The Lord rewarded his faithfulness by "blessing the latter part of Job's life more than the first",(42:12) and he "lived a hundred and forty years". (42:16) Secondly, because of the the wonderful mercy of this same God, we now have someone who hung on the cross and took our Job-like tests for us. He passed with flying colors. He offers our ultimate healing, redemption and life everlasting. He knew what my side effect felt like and was there every painful second. I will never go anywhere in all this that He hasn't already been.
Christ is our true hope, our rock and our redeemer. With Him on our side, what can man (or Satan) do to us?? So above all PRAISE HIM. No matter what your affliction is right now, God is still as worthy today as He was back in the day of Job.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Girlfriends
Girlfriends:
We nurture each other. We are steadfastly in the background of each other's lives. Then, when we get together, our love for each other comes to the forefront. It is like we have always been this important, this prominent with one another. Our separate lives fall behind us and our girlfriend times take the lead for one lunch, one night, one weekend. How special the time is, how fun...how there is truly nothing else like it.
Like Mary Magdalene with Jesus, my girlfriends are always present in the background in my life's journey. They are not noticed by anyone who sees me on a daily basis, but let something profound, miraculous, devastating, joyous, major happen and they are there for me as I am for them. We will wipe each others' feet, wounds and tears. We visit and pray when someone is sick; celebrate each others' triumphs, follow each other into Jerusalem and help bear each others' crosses.
No matter how each of our journeys may go, the others will be there, waiting with love, a word, a touch, a heart that only comes from girlfriends......always to the end.
"This is my command: Love each other." John 15:17
We nurture each other. We are steadfastly in the background of each other's lives. Then, when we get together, our love for each other comes to the forefront. It is like we have always been this important, this prominent with one another. Our separate lives fall behind us and our girlfriend times take the lead for one lunch, one night, one weekend. How special the time is, how fun...how there is truly nothing else like it.
Like Mary Magdalene with Jesus, my girlfriends are always present in the background in my life's journey. They are not noticed by anyone who sees me on a daily basis, but let something profound, miraculous, devastating, joyous, major happen and they are there for me as I am for them. We will wipe each others' feet, wounds and tears. We visit and pray when someone is sick; celebrate each others' triumphs, follow each other into Jerusalem and help bear each others' crosses.
No matter how each of our journeys may go, the others will be there, waiting with love, a word, a touch, a heart that only comes from girlfriends......always to the end.
"This is my command: Love each other." John 15:17
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Pieces of Steel
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
Sounds great, doesn't it??? There are times in my struggles when I have looked at this passage of scripture and thought what good could God be working right now??? When your scans are bad, or the side effects are almost unbearable, what good could He have in mind? What good is God working when a friend's 15-year old daughter dies after a two year battle with Ewings Sarcoma? What could He be thinking when a 42-year old wife and mother of three young children dies within 5 months of her diagnosis of intestinal cancer? What is the meaning of hearing of a Jewish woman being healed of advanced lung cancer by Christ Jesus at a Christian
healing conference??? If this all seems whiny and resentful...well it is.
But not by me.....not any longer. Through all my struggles, I have learned many things and one of those things is to look at the whole scripture, not just parts, to find the real meaning of what the writer was trying to say. In Romans 8:28, you have to give as much weight to the second
part of the scripture as well as to the first part, which is the most often quoted.
The scripture doesn't say good things will happen to those who love God. No, rather it says
God will work to defend us, guard us, guide us and use us as we have been called to HIS PURPOSE. Stuff happens to people all the time, every day. Tragedy, sickness, death.....unfairness!!!! There is no selective process and no one is exempt from the possibility. So we have to, as His faithful, try to focus on His greater purpose.
I wish I could take credit for the "Pieces of Steel' analogy to this scripture, but I heard it on the radio during a long business trip on a day when I most needed to hear it. Of course, I was not surprised by God's perfect timing. It goes something like this:
There was a very popular preacher who was doing great things at a growing and spiritual church. He was so sure that he was doing exactly God's work and fulfilling God's purpose for him in his life. People were coming to church, coming to Christ, and coming together for the glory of God. And then his twenty-year old son committed suicide.
The preacher was devastated. He came to his friend (who was telling the story on the radio) and said, "through all my years of ministry I have used Romans 8:28 as a source a comfort and encouragement to people who have asked 'why did this thing happen to me?'. Now, I realize I cannot possibly make sense of or believe what this scripture says because my son has taken his own life. How am I supposed to go on?" (How many times have you every felt like that?)
The friend came up with this analogy: Imagine you have walked into a naval shipyard somewhere on the coast. There are a lot of construction materials laying around, people hard at work, but nothing really for you to see but piles of steel and metal and rivets and wires. You come upon a piece of steel lying on the ground. If you could pick up that piece of steel and throw it into the water, what would it do? Would it float or sink? Why sink, of course, because looking at the piece of steel all alone makes it just that...one heavy sinking piece of steel.
Now, two years later, you come back to the shipyard. All the pieces of steel are now gone. In their place, at a dock on the water is a big beautiful new battleship. Somewhere in that battleship is your piece of steel. That same piece of steel that was looked at as a single entity and subsequently sank is now floating along with many other pieces of steel. And not only is it floating but your piece of steel is part of a greatly planned and executed project set to defend
the greater good of a nation.
So when you are down, discouraged, devastated...lost... remember the piece of steel. As long as all you can focus on is the one piece of steel, you will sink. Romans 8:28 reminds us that our real hope is where that piece of steel fits into a greatly planned and executed project He has designed for "those who have been called according to His purpose." Your piece of steel, my piece of steel, will be fit into a magnificent and mighty place because we love Him.
Always, always have faith, for without it, we sink.
Sounds great, doesn't it??? There are times in my struggles when I have looked at this passage of scripture and thought what good could God be working right now??? When your scans are bad, or the side effects are almost unbearable, what good could He have in mind? What good is God working when a friend's 15-year old daughter dies after a two year battle with Ewings Sarcoma? What could He be thinking when a 42-year old wife and mother of three young children dies within 5 months of her diagnosis of intestinal cancer? What is the meaning of hearing of a Jewish woman being healed of advanced lung cancer by Christ Jesus at a Christian
healing conference??? If this all seems whiny and resentful...well it is.
But not by me.....not any longer. Through all my struggles, I have learned many things and one of those things is to look at the whole scripture, not just parts, to find the real meaning of what the writer was trying to say. In Romans 8:28, you have to give as much weight to the second
part of the scripture as well as to the first part, which is the most often quoted.
The scripture doesn't say good things will happen to those who love God. No, rather it says
God will work to defend us, guard us, guide us and use us as we have been called to HIS PURPOSE. Stuff happens to people all the time, every day. Tragedy, sickness, death.....unfairness!!!! There is no selective process and no one is exempt from the possibility. So we have to, as His faithful, try to focus on His greater purpose.
I wish I could take credit for the "Pieces of Steel' analogy to this scripture, but I heard it on the radio during a long business trip on a day when I most needed to hear it. Of course, I was not surprised by God's perfect timing. It goes something like this:
There was a very popular preacher who was doing great things at a growing and spiritual church. He was so sure that he was doing exactly God's work and fulfilling God's purpose for him in his life. People were coming to church, coming to Christ, and coming together for the glory of God. And then his twenty-year old son committed suicide.
The preacher was devastated. He came to his friend (who was telling the story on the radio) and said, "through all my years of ministry I have used Romans 8:28 as a source a comfort and encouragement to people who have asked 'why did this thing happen to me?'. Now, I realize I cannot possibly make sense of or believe what this scripture says because my son has taken his own life. How am I supposed to go on?" (How many times have you every felt like that?)
The friend came up with this analogy: Imagine you have walked into a naval shipyard somewhere on the coast. There are a lot of construction materials laying around, people hard at work, but nothing really for you to see but piles of steel and metal and rivets and wires. You come upon a piece of steel lying on the ground. If you could pick up that piece of steel and throw it into the water, what would it do? Would it float or sink? Why sink, of course, because looking at the piece of steel all alone makes it just that...one heavy sinking piece of steel.
Now, two years later, you come back to the shipyard. All the pieces of steel are now gone. In their place, at a dock on the water is a big beautiful new battleship. Somewhere in that battleship is your piece of steel. That same piece of steel that was looked at as a single entity and subsequently sank is now floating along with many other pieces of steel. And not only is it floating but your piece of steel is part of a greatly planned and executed project set to defend
the greater good of a nation.
So when you are down, discouraged, devastated...lost... remember the piece of steel. As long as all you can focus on is the one piece of steel, you will sink. Romans 8:28 reminds us that our real hope is where that piece of steel fits into a greatly planned and executed project He has designed for "those who have been called according to His purpose." Your piece of steel, my piece of steel, will be fit into a magnificent and mighty place because we love Him.
Always, always have faith, for without it, we sink.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Fingernails
I know it seems crazy, but for the longest time, I have had one secret indulgence: fingernails. Since I discovered acrylic nails back in the early 1990's, I have always kept, long, expensive, beautiful fake fingernails on my hands. Those of you who have naturally thin, bad nails like I have had all my life can appreciate this luxury. Those of you who have acrylic nails know about their upkeep and expense, taking a commitment of a visit to your salon every two weeks to keep them looking long and elegant. I even graduated eventually to the most expensive form of these nails; pink and white acrylic, done to look like a French manicure.
Back in 2001, after diagnosis, prognosis, and treatment options were being weighed, I had been told about many things to expect. I would receive as much chemo as a body could take. I would feel terrible before I could get better. I would lose my hair, possibly everywhere on my body.
There were things like infections, mouth sores, fevers and fatigue in my future. I should consider having an stem cell transplant for maximum benefit and minimizing the cancer's return. And even after all this, we may still face a recurrence and early death. The numbers did not stack up in my favor. All of this news I took rather well. Sat stoically in the doctors'
offices trying to be analytical and logical and understand medical jargon that was new and daunting. And it wasn't until I sat in a transplant physician's office at Duke University, had him
look down at my hands and say, "you're going to have to lose those nails", that I completely came undone. My one little indulgence, my one area of beauty that I thought I could keep and the cancer could not take was going to be taken after all.
The next spring, after five rounds of chemo, a stem cell transplant, and six weeks of radiation,
I went back into a salon and put those pink and white acrylic nails back on. It was a great day!
Another victory for me. Another defeat for the disease. And so from April of 2002 until August
of 2007, despite advise from my doctor and nurse practitioner, I have faithfully kept the nails on.
I guess you're wondering why I thought it was important to tell you about my fingernails. The point of the story is this: sometimes God uses such little things to do his work that if we're not careful we will miss the chance to recognize the opportunity to join Him in that work,
You see, for the longest time people have been after me to write about my journey over the last seven years. I have hundreds of handwritten journal entries and many more experiences in my head, but I never wanted to take the time to try to write these things in a format where others would have access to them. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard, "you ought to write a book."
The reason I resisted writing about what God, faith, family and friends have done for me over the years???? It was because of the fingernails. That's right....my long, beautiful fingernails made it very difficult for me to type on my laptop keyboard. I used to make so many typos it wasn't funny. Besides, I wanted to talk about my experiences, not write about them, so my ineptness on a keyboard (because of the nails) was a convenient excuse.
And so, in August of this year when Abraxane (chemo) finally starting killing my natural nails underneath my acrylics, the long nails came off. The next time some one said, "I wish you had something written down that I could share with others" I started writing...here on a blogspot...and typing who knows how many words per minute because I had no fingernails to get in the way. Just my own, yellowed, short trimmed, badly polished nails, allowing me to do what God had intended all along. He wants me to write and so I do...for His glory. Amen
"...My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord."
Isaiah 55:8
Back in 2001, after diagnosis, prognosis, and treatment options were being weighed, I had been told about many things to expect. I would receive as much chemo as a body could take. I would feel terrible before I could get better. I would lose my hair, possibly everywhere on my body.
There were things like infections, mouth sores, fevers and fatigue in my future. I should consider having an stem cell transplant for maximum benefit and minimizing the cancer's return. And even after all this, we may still face a recurrence and early death. The numbers did not stack up in my favor. All of this news I took rather well. Sat stoically in the doctors'
offices trying to be analytical and logical and understand medical jargon that was new and daunting. And it wasn't until I sat in a transplant physician's office at Duke University, had him
look down at my hands and say, "you're going to have to lose those nails", that I completely came undone. My one little indulgence, my one area of beauty that I thought I could keep and the cancer could not take was going to be taken after all.
The next spring, after five rounds of chemo, a stem cell transplant, and six weeks of radiation,
I went back into a salon and put those pink and white acrylic nails back on. It was a great day!
Another victory for me. Another defeat for the disease. And so from April of 2002 until August
of 2007, despite advise from my doctor and nurse practitioner, I have faithfully kept the nails on.
I guess you're wondering why I thought it was important to tell you about my fingernails. The point of the story is this: sometimes God uses such little things to do his work that if we're not careful we will miss the chance to recognize the opportunity to join Him in that work,
You see, for the longest time people have been after me to write about my journey over the last seven years. I have hundreds of handwritten journal entries and many more experiences in my head, but I never wanted to take the time to try to write these things in a format where others would have access to them. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard, "you ought to write a book."
The reason I resisted writing about what God, faith, family and friends have done for me over the years???? It was because of the fingernails. That's right....my long, beautiful fingernails made it very difficult for me to type on my laptop keyboard. I used to make so many typos it wasn't funny. Besides, I wanted to talk about my experiences, not write about them, so my ineptness on a keyboard (because of the nails) was a convenient excuse.
And so, in August of this year when Abraxane (chemo) finally starting killing my natural nails underneath my acrylics, the long nails came off. The next time some one said, "I wish you had something written down that I could share with others" I started writing...here on a blogspot...and typing who knows how many words per minute because I had no fingernails to get in the way. Just my own, yellowed, short trimmed, badly polished nails, allowing me to do what God had intended all along. He wants me to write and so I do...for His glory. Amen
"...My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord."
Isaiah 55:8
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Waiting
It is February 16, 2004 and I am in waiting for the news that I know is coming. I have been at Rex hospital with a tube in my chest, draining fluid, having scopes, scans and blood tests. It is a Monday and she has waited until the days' end to tell me.
"I just want to see my daughter graduate from high school", I say.
"I think we can do that", she says back.
The thing that I was so afraid of for so long has happened. It is back....in two places.....my bones and my chest wall lymph nodes. And so begins an incredible journey of faith, family, friends,
and modern medicine.
Ten months later, I am back on the tables, having scans and tests. It is the week before Christmas and I am committing a no-no. I am allowing these tests to be run before a major holiday. I have stepped out on complete faith that healing has happened in this body. It was a wonderful Christmas.
"I have set my goals too short", I say to her that spring of 2005. "Graduation is in six weeks."
"How about we go for grandmother status?" she says back.
Oh yeah.
We are still working toward that goal. In 17 months, my daughter will graduate from college.
And even though we still are in the midst of a struggle, and the scans, scopes, and blood tests
have not been the best, we do not give up or give in. There is still so much to see and do. And we still have a purpose to fulfill. God's purpose, God's promise. His grace is upon us.
"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:16
"I just want to see my daughter graduate from high school", I say.
"I think we can do that", she says back.
The thing that I was so afraid of for so long has happened. It is back....in two places.....my bones and my chest wall lymph nodes. And so begins an incredible journey of faith, family, friends,
and modern medicine.
Ten months later, I am back on the tables, having scans and tests. It is the week before Christmas and I am committing a no-no. I am allowing these tests to be run before a major holiday. I have stepped out on complete faith that healing has happened in this body. It was a wonderful Christmas.
"I have set my goals too short", I say to her that spring of 2005. "Graduation is in six weeks."
"How about we go for grandmother status?" she says back.
Oh yeah.
We are still working toward that goal. In 17 months, my daughter will graduate from college.
And even though we still are in the midst of a struggle, and the scans, scopes, and blood tests
have not been the best, we do not give up or give in. There is still so much to see and do. And we still have a purpose to fulfill. God's purpose, God's promise. His grace is upon us.
"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:16
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Maha
There you are again, such beauty and grace
Concern, love and compassion all over your face
Showing me data we'd both like to erase.
But these are the facts that we cannot deny
The cards I've been dealt can't be shuffled, we've tried.
So we swallow and stare and the hand side by side.
This isn't the first meeting like this and won't be the last
We talk about future possibilities and go over the past
Knowing you'll do your best with the die I've been cast.
And so Maha, my doctor, my beautiful friend,
We are off to do battle against our enemy again.
A fight that the data shows we probably won't win.
But that doesn't stop us, no, not you and I
We'll find something together and give it a try.
Never losing the purpose and faith, never asking why.
For we have God behind us, oh yes ma'am we do.
Even though some say our God is really two;
Two different ones, but we know what is true:
God is always with us, of that there is no doubt.
We can stand firm in that knowledge, no matter how this turns out.
With all the different options, our FAITH has the most clout.
So my beautiful Muslim sister, I want you to know
I'm still ready for anything; let's get it on with the show.
Even though we don't know where this path will go.
I do know that Christ the Physician is by my side.
He carries me through and has you along for the ride.
This was a divine plan and cannot be denied.
My Lord loves us both, and he gives me the strength
to follow through this path, no matter how painful the length.
Praying through the numbers for victory, for He reigns!
Maha, know one but our Creator knows what you mean to me. I thank God every day that
you are my earthly physician, helping me through this journey. I love you.
Kathy
Concern, love and compassion all over your face
Showing me data we'd both like to erase.
But these are the facts that we cannot deny
The cards I've been dealt can't be shuffled, we've tried.
So we swallow and stare and the hand side by side.
This isn't the first meeting like this and won't be the last
We talk about future possibilities and go over the past
Knowing you'll do your best with the die I've been cast.
And so Maha, my doctor, my beautiful friend,
We are off to do battle against our enemy again.
A fight that the data shows we probably won't win.
But that doesn't stop us, no, not you and I
We'll find something together and give it a try.
Never losing the purpose and faith, never asking why.
For we have God behind us, oh yes ma'am we do.
Even though some say our God is really two;
Two different ones, but we know what is true:
God is always with us, of that there is no doubt.
We can stand firm in that knowledge, no matter how this turns out.
With all the different options, our FAITH has the most clout.
So my beautiful Muslim sister, I want you to know
I'm still ready for anything; let's get it on with the show.
Even though we don't know where this path will go.
I do know that Christ the Physician is by my side.
He carries me through and has you along for the ride.
This was a divine plan and cannot be denied.
My Lord loves us both, and he gives me the strength
to follow through this path, no matter how painful the length.
Praying through the numbers for victory, for He reigns!
Maha, know one but our Creator knows what you mean to me. I thank God every day that
you are my earthly physician, helping me through this journey. I love you.
Kathy
Friday, November 16, 2007
Faces in the Fire
How did we all end up here?? All these families and faces thrown together in such a small space. Some faces are slack with the lack of caring anymore. Some faces are tight with worry and fear. Some faces are full of self-pity, anger, and disbelief. And some faces are pleasant, peaceful....cheerful. Some of us who sit in the far corner by the nurses' station entrance sit back while we are filled with chemicals and drugs and laugh, joke, share personal stories and information, share our life. The others sometimes look at us with disbelief. How can we act so happy in the a room full of needles, pain, disappointment and disease???
We can because we choose to. We are a bunch of glass-half-full kind of people. We're dealing with an awful fact and making it a cheerful inconvenience. We are walking through the fire together; facing the situation and refusing to be burned.
I would have never chosen to be thrown into this fire, but just like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the book of Daniel, I am walking around in the furnace, believing in the Lord who loves me and refusing to be consumed by the flames. Those faces in the fire along with me also believe that the fire shapes us, molds us, takes us to a Godly place where we are not yet delivered but always safe. Don't misunderstand me...I would rather get out of the oven. But I know that the Lord has a purpose and a season and a reason for my being where I am. My clothes may be scorched, but I am oh so thankful that another day is ending and I still am not burnt.
By the way, did you know that the soldiers that actually threw the three men into the furnace in Daniel were killed by the heat of the furnace just because they got so close? Not even in the fire itself, and still it consumed them. I see so many faces like those soldiers; have know too many people just like them..
Oh ye of little faith........
"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it..."
Daniel 3:17
We can because we choose to. We are a bunch of glass-half-full kind of people. We're dealing with an awful fact and making it a cheerful inconvenience. We are walking through the fire together; facing the situation and refusing to be burned.
I would have never chosen to be thrown into this fire, but just like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the book of Daniel, I am walking around in the furnace, believing in the Lord who loves me and refusing to be consumed by the flames. Those faces in the fire along with me also believe that the fire shapes us, molds us, takes us to a Godly place where we are not yet delivered but always safe. Don't misunderstand me...I would rather get out of the oven. But I know that the Lord has a purpose and a season and a reason for my being where I am. My clothes may be scorched, but I am oh so thankful that another day is ending and I still am not burnt.
By the way, did you know that the soldiers that actually threw the three men into the furnace in Daniel were killed by the heat of the furnace just because they got so close? Not even in the fire itself, and still it consumed them. I see so many faces like those soldiers; have know too many people just like them..
Oh ye of little faith........
"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it..."
Daniel 3:17
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
All the Angels
Do you remember some years back the rage about Angels? Angels became en vogue. Books were written, pins worn, stores were opened and theories tossed about. Suddenly, people were focusing more on God's heavenly hosts than the Host Himself. Angels were all around us...you could call on them for protection and help...they were beautiful creatures ever-present in our world, just hard to see unless you really believed. I never got into that. I always felt that I only needed to call on the Lord who is always at work around us, an ever-present help in time of trouble, hard to see unless you believe......
Well, all the angel hub-bub has died down. There are still angel pins, statues, cards and dolls,
but they are not the be-all focus they once were. A lesson maybe in God being our one true and faithful constant in life, our center of the spokes on the wheel.
Even though I never got caught in the angel rage, I think about that time (late 90's) and realize that I had no way of knowing that I myself would end up seeing so many angels in the next decade.
These angels I know do not wear white robes, they wear colorful scrubs and dye their hair red. They do not have wings, they have kids who play soccer and dogs they take on vacations. They sing in an earthly choir at church and do Sudoku like me. They will pray with me when they think no one else can hear and hug me every chance they get. Every week, they smile, stick me with a needle and pour toxic liquids into my veins with as much positive energy as you can imagine. They treat people like me every day, five days a week. People whom they come to love, some people they know they will watch slowly go downhill, people they help cure, people they help live longer, people they lose. They hold trembling hands, dry tears and cry their own.
They share our joy in victories and mourn our failures. They represent hope, health, and a promise of another day. These angels make a horrible and nasty time bearable, pleasant, heck sometimes, even fun.
The angels I see today are here on earth in the form of oncology nurses. They have names like Janet, Jan, Gail, Jennifer, Lynn and Jeanine. They are tireless in their mission. They are beautiful creatures ever-present in my world. I look to them for protection and help. Sometimes I think most people can't see them for what they really are, because, unlike me,
they don't believe. I know where all the angels are....believe me. God has put them in a small oncology office in Cary NC.
"....some people have entertained angels without knowing it." Hebrews 13:2"
Well, all the angel hub-bub has died down. There are still angel pins, statues, cards and dolls,
but they are not the be-all focus they once were. A lesson maybe in God being our one true and faithful constant in life, our center of the spokes on the wheel.
Even though I never got caught in the angel rage, I think about that time (late 90's) and realize that I had no way of knowing that I myself would end up seeing so many angels in the next decade.
These angels I know do not wear white robes, they wear colorful scrubs and dye their hair red. They do not have wings, they have kids who play soccer and dogs they take on vacations. They sing in an earthly choir at church and do Sudoku like me. They will pray with me when they think no one else can hear and hug me every chance they get. Every week, they smile, stick me with a needle and pour toxic liquids into my veins with as much positive energy as you can imagine. They treat people like me every day, five days a week. People whom they come to love, some people they know they will watch slowly go downhill, people they help cure, people they help live longer, people they lose. They hold trembling hands, dry tears and cry their own.
They share our joy in victories and mourn our failures. They represent hope, health, and a promise of another day. These angels make a horrible and nasty time bearable, pleasant, heck sometimes, even fun.
The angels I see today are here on earth in the form of oncology nurses. They have names like Janet, Jan, Gail, Jennifer, Lynn and Jeanine. They are tireless in their mission. They are beautiful creatures ever-present in my world. I look to them for protection and help. Sometimes I think most people can't see them for what they really are, because, unlike me,
they don't believe. I know where all the angels are....believe me. God has put them in a small oncology office in Cary NC.
"....some people have entertained angels without knowing it." Hebrews 13:2"
Billboards
I had been told through prayerful prophesy that God would use me through speaking, writing, and billboards. Billboards?? How could the person praying with me possibly know about the billboard?? That one word, her one utterance from the Lord and at that moment I knew I needed to tell about the billboard.......
It was the spring of 2006. I cannot tell you what treatment I was receiving at the time, but all I know is that my tumor marker was on the rise again. Another regimen would be tossed out, another round of something else started. I had received the news from my doctor's office as I was driving to Myrtle Beach, SC for a business trade show. I was on Highway 9, headed east on a route I had traveled many times.
Now, as an aside, on this highway, about 30 miles outside of Myrtle Beach there is an "Official
Welcome Center" for the resort beach. I always found that so funny because it made you think you were close to your destination when you were still so far from it. They also had painted the building an awful yellow with purple/blue trim and I always had viewed the building as an eye-sore.
Back to the road trip. As I was pondering the results of this latest blood test, I really started to
question God's purpose for this latest development. Actually, I think I started to rant at Him a bit, feeling sorry for myself and questioning His will in my life. I wanted to know: What was He thinking????, What was the meaning of this down-turn??? What was I supposed to do with this bad news???? What do I tell all the faithful who are praying for me???? What, what what????
Just as that last set of whats came out of my mouth, just as I finished my rantings, I came to the point in the highway where that "Official Welcome Center" sat. This time, instead of looking at the building, I looked right above it. And there was a billboard with God's answer in God's perfect timing just as I drove by. On that billboard was two words in huge print that said
"YOU'RE HERE" .
That's right. God spoke to me loud and clear that day. I was still here. Here to drive, work, laugh, love, LIVE. "You're here" He said. I was and I still am. As always, He was right.
"He sent his word, and healed them and delivered them from their destructions." Psalm 107:20
It was the spring of 2006. I cannot tell you what treatment I was receiving at the time, but all I know is that my tumor marker was on the rise again. Another regimen would be tossed out, another round of something else started. I had received the news from my doctor's office as I was driving to Myrtle Beach, SC for a business trade show. I was on Highway 9, headed east on a route I had traveled many times.
Now, as an aside, on this highway, about 30 miles outside of Myrtle Beach there is an "Official
Welcome Center" for the resort beach. I always found that so funny because it made you think you were close to your destination when you were still so far from it. They also had painted the building an awful yellow with purple/blue trim and I always had viewed the building as an eye-sore.
Back to the road trip. As I was pondering the results of this latest blood test, I really started to
question God's purpose for this latest development. Actually, I think I started to rant at Him a bit, feeling sorry for myself and questioning His will in my life. I wanted to know: What was He thinking????, What was the meaning of this down-turn??? What was I supposed to do with this bad news???? What do I tell all the faithful who are praying for me???? What, what what????
Just as that last set of whats came out of my mouth, just as I finished my rantings, I came to the point in the highway where that "Official Welcome Center" sat. This time, instead of looking at the building, I looked right above it. And there was a billboard with God's answer in God's perfect timing just as I drove by. On that billboard was two words in huge print that said
"YOU'RE HERE" .
That's right. God spoke to me loud and clear that day. I was still here. Here to drive, work, laugh, love, LIVE. "You're here" He said. I was and I still am. As always, He was right.
"He sent his word, and healed them and delivered them from their destructions." Psalm 107:20
Thursday, November 8, 2007
A glimpse
As I lay there in the PET scanner, I looked at the technician getting ready to snap those ever-threatening pictures of the "activity" of my disease. She wasn't much older than me, blonde, petite, and scurrying about with determined efficiency....the picture of health for a middle-aged woman. I thought about her as she disappeared behind the glass partition and I was suddenly and unexplainably overcome with a feeling of well-being. I could actually feel my healthy, fit body from seven years ago. What was this??? Was it an indication of what these pictures were going to show? (unfortunately not) Was is just the synapses firing in my memory banks, triggered by the sight of the technician???(too scientific for me) Or what is a gift. Yes! It was a gift from God, reminding me that my health lies with Him. That He has died on a cross for me so I can be healed. That my well-being rests in His arms even in the middle of a PET scan when the numbers look bad and the results are scary. In that cold, sterile, and often frightening environment, the Lord whispers "Trust Me" as the machine starts to whirr and click, reminding me that the He alone is my redeemer.
"Wherefore, sirs, be of good cheer: for I believe God, that it shall be even as it was told me."
Acts 27:25
"Wherefore, sirs, be of good cheer: for I believe God, that it shall be even as it was told me."
Acts 27:25
Sunday, November 4, 2007
444 days
On February 17th, 2004 I started an oral chemotherapy agent called Zeloda. I made the mistake of reading the package insert, looking for possible side effects. What I found in addition to those possible side effects was the data on the clinical trials for the efficacy of the drug when used in metastatic colon cancer. (the drug is crossed over for breast cancer) What leapt off the page, what I saw that is the reason why you do not read package inserts, was the average survival rate of the test subjects on the drug: 444 days. That's 1 year, 2 months, 19 days, in case you're wondering.
What a thing to see. What a time frame to put out of my head. I know that no one knows how many days I have; only God has them numbered. But still the number got filed away somewhere in the back of my head, submerged in the deep recesses. It flickered there every once and a while like a dim light in the back of a cave...444 days.
One early summer evening, I sat in church during a special service. We were in the middle of deep and personal prayer. I heard a whisper from the back of my head saying "count the days".
Count the days????Oh yes, the little memory flickered, and so I pulled out my check book register with the calendar part on it and set to counting.
The days were 527. I was amazed. I was so blessed. God was saying, "you see??"And I was slightly ashamed for ever letting the flickering candle of unbelief reside in the back of my head.
Tomorrow is November 5, 2007 and I will start back on Zeloda again. I will NOT read the package insert because I know those numbers mean nothing where I am concerned. I know that I know that I know that only my Lord, my Savior, Christ the Great Physician knows my numbers.
Just in case you're wondering.....it's been 1,353 days. But who's counting?
"I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life"
Deuteronomy 30:19
What a thing to see. What a time frame to put out of my head. I know that no one knows how many days I have; only God has them numbered. But still the number got filed away somewhere in the back of my head, submerged in the deep recesses. It flickered there every once and a while like a dim light in the back of a cave...444 days.
One early summer evening, I sat in church during a special service. We were in the middle of deep and personal prayer. I heard a whisper from the back of my head saying "count the days".
Count the days????Oh yes, the little memory flickered, and so I pulled out my check book register with the calendar part on it and set to counting.
The days were 527. I was amazed. I was so blessed. God was saying, "you see??"And I was slightly ashamed for ever letting the flickering candle of unbelief reside in the back of my head.
Tomorrow is November 5, 2007 and I will start back on Zeloda again. I will NOT read the package insert because I know those numbers mean nothing where I am concerned. I know that I know that I know that only my Lord, my Savior, Christ the Great Physician knows my numbers.
Just in case you're wondering.....it's been 1,353 days. But who's counting?
"I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life"
Deuteronomy 30:19
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Even though I walk
Well,
My body has betrayed my again. A certainly decent and tolerable treatment has stopped working for me. Now we are back to staging scans, meetings, and let's see what we can try next.
The shadow of this recent setback has not left me even after getting the news four days ago.
Next week we will find out all kinds of things: where, how much, what to do, how long. And I feel so "normal"!
What has the Lord planned for me this time? Am I under attack from Satan because I am beginning to share my testimony? Who knows! This is the grey area of cancer. Until the very end, there is very little black and white. I have always embraced the greyness of this disease when it became metastatic. Grey means we don't know but we're gonna try. Grey means no one has laid down hard and fast numbers. Grey means that even thought the future is blurry it is still a future. I am still in the game...I am still a soldier in the battles of this war. Time to pull up my boot straps one more time and face this new fight.
Above all, I still belong to a loving and wonderful God who is with me no matter what...every step of the way. I am His child and He has promised me many things and He does not lie!
"even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me.... Psalms 23:4
My body has betrayed my again. A certainly decent and tolerable treatment has stopped working for me. Now we are back to staging scans, meetings, and let's see what we can try next.
The shadow of this recent setback has not left me even after getting the news four days ago.
Next week we will find out all kinds of things: where, how much, what to do, how long. And I feel so "normal"!
What has the Lord planned for me this time? Am I under attack from Satan because I am beginning to share my testimony? Who knows! This is the grey area of cancer. Until the very end, there is very little black and white. I have always embraced the greyness of this disease when it became metastatic. Grey means we don't know but we're gonna try. Grey means no one has laid down hard and fast numbers. Grey means that even thought the future is blurry it is still a future. I am still in the game...I am still a soldier in the battles of this war. Time to pull up my boot straps one more time and face this new fight.
Above all, I still belong to a loving and wonderful God who is with me no matter what...every step of the way. I am His child and He has promised me many things and He does not lie!
"even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me.... Psalms 23:4
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Habakkuk 1:5
Who ever reads the book of Habakkuk? It's in the Old Testament, in case you didn't know. I never could have told you that. I would have missed the Jeopardy question. But one day, in the midst of a very spiritual prayer group, God opened up my bible for me to page 792. A place in the Book where I had never been nor would ever go without His fingers doing the walking.
I had been in treatment for metastatic breast cancer for about a year. My scans were great, I was off chemotherapy and on hormonal treatments, and oh so thankful. YET, I still could not get over the feeling of doubt and uncertainty. What did my future hold. How was God manifesting His healing grace in me? How long would I stay healthy? How long would I live? Of course, the old enemy Satan never misses a chance to plant those seeds of negativity and disbelief in every one of us, and even though I had been witness to so much grace and mercy and miracles, Satan was still tap-dancing on the back of my mind...whispering his conspiracy theories and lies.
And so, just when I needed it the most, and as usual with His perfect timing, God jumped right up and said "Hey!" and knocked me off my feet with a little verse from Habakkuk:
"Look at the nations and watch--and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe even if you were told."
Oh my...oh yes! That was two springs ago and I am still utterly amazed...amen.
I had been in treatment for metastatic breast cancer for about a year. My scans were great, I was off chemotherapy and on hormonal treatments, and oh so thankful. YET, I still could not get over the feeling of doubt and uncertainty. What did my future hold. How was God manifesting His healing grace in me? How long would I stay healthy? How long would I live? Of course, the old enemy Satan never misses a chance to plant those seeds of negativity and disbelief in every one of us, and even though I had been witness to so much grace and mercy and miracles, Satan was still tap-dancing on the back of my mind...whispering his conspiracy theories and lies.
And so, just when I needed it the most, and as usual with His perfect timing, God jumped right up and said "Hey!" and knocked me off my feet with a little verse from Habakkuk:
"Look at the nations and watch--and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe even if you were told."
Oh my...oh yes! That was two springs ago and I am still utterly amazed...amen.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Broken to Beautiful
What are these things that I have lost in this never-ending struggle with a never-ending disease? From my once beautiful outer self, I have somehow turned around and in seven years lost my breasts, my shape, my muscle tone, my hair twice, all the lining of my mouth, nose and intestinal tract, three toenails, five fingernails, all my eyelashes, all my eyebrows, heck...every hair on my body at some point, my singing voice, and the feeling in my feet and my hands. I have lost the trust and confidence I once had in my healthy body.
Some losses I know are permanent...some have been temporary...all have been mourned in one way or another.
BUT I know without these losses, I would not still be here. These losses have actually gained me the ability to see my daughter grow into a beautiful young woman, build a house, outlive my father, stay working in a job with people I love, share summers and holidays, see Las Vegas, show a dog at Westminster Kennel Club..twice and share so much with my husband and friends. Most importantly I have gained such a close and dependent relationship with Jesus Christ.
From all the brokeness of this body that has withstood countless rounds of chemotherapy...too many to remember.....comes beautiful spirituality. Such a great reward for all the struggle.
I still miss my old body, but I do not miss my old self. The one who was so surface, so material,
so selfish. Breast cancer has taken away a lot of things, but I have been paid back in spades!
K
Some losses I know are permanent...some have been temporary...all have been mourned in one way or another.
BUT I know without these losses, I would not still be here. These losses have actually gained me the ability to see my daughter grow into a beautiful young woman, build a house, outlive my father, stay working in a job with people I love, share summers and holidays, see Las Vegas, show a dog at Westminster Kennel Club..twice and share so much with my husband and friends. Most importantly I have gained such a close and dependent relationship with Jesus Christ.
From all the brokeness of this body that has withstood countless rounds of chemotherapy...too many to remember.....comes beautiful spirituality. Such a great reward for all the struggle.
I still miss my old body, but I do not miss my old self. The one who was so surface, so material,
so selfish. Breast cancer has taken away a lot of things, but I have been paid back in spades!
K
"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.....Joel 2:25"
The Breast Cancer Boat
Are you in my boat? I used to try relentlessy to find someone in my boat. After being diagnosed with Stage IIB breast cancer in May of 2001, I was so desperate to find someone like me....young like me (45), node-positive like me (8), taking massive amounts of chemo like me, having a Stem Cell Transplant like me. I couldn't find another kindred soul like me back then.
I thought I was all alone in my boat.
Then, it dawned on me. I wasn't alone in this boat. No! I turned around and saw through my fear-filled eyes that my boat was full of people! Full of my family, full of friends and neighbors, full of prayer warriors, full of doctors and nurses. All of them were willing to step into my boat....my boat that was getting tossed and turned on the angry sea in the midst of the storm that was raging around me.
My boat was full and God's hands were there to hold us steady through the storm and see us all safely to the shore. I am still in the boat, still being tossed about in the eye of the storm.
But I am never alone. Almost seven years later, many people have stepped in and out of this boat....so many things have happened...so many stories to tell.
Are you in your own boat, feeling alone, frightened, dazed and tossed about. Take heart sister.
As the storm rages around you, you are not alone. There is a promise for you from your Father:
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
I thought I was all alone in my boat.
Then, it dawned on me. I wasn't alone in this boat. No! I turned around and saw through my fear-filled eyes that my boat was full of people! Full of my family, full of friends and neighbors, full of prayer warriors, full of doctors and nurses. All of them were willing to step into my boat....my boat that was getting tossed and turned on the angry sea in the midst of the storm that was raging around me.
My boat was full and God's hands were there to hold us steady through the storm and see us all safely to the shore. I am still in the boat, still being tossed about in the eye of the storm.
But I am never alone. Almost seven years later, many people have stepped in and out of this boat....so many things have happened...so many stories to tell.
Are you in your own boat, feeling alone, frightened, dazed and tossed about. Take heart sister.
As the storm rages around you, you are not alone. There is a promise for you from your Father:
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2
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