Fear of Flying

I went on a business trip Monday. Flew out of Greensboro to Pittsburgh, had meetings, flew back on Tuesday. I don't like flying.....it used to terrify me, too. I don't like flying because you are not in control. You don't have control of your time, your luggage, how rough or how smooth the flight, and particularly, you don't have control over that airplane or its pilots. (Obviously this is another trust issue for me) Flying used to be terrifying for me. I always would say that I'm not afraid to die I just don't want to die afraid. Falling out of the sky at any height is a horrifying prospect. Who wants terror to be their last emotion on this earth?

When flying this time, we had awful weather, flight delays, rush for connections, mechanical delays and crying babies. Negotiating our way through a very long day on Monday, my boss
was the picture of patience. Tim was totally unruffled by all the out-of-control madness US AIR
threw at us. He also is not afraid of flying at all. He smiled at me a lot, calmed me down when needed, and gave me a little talk on the chances that anything bad would happen to us. (tiny percentage) I had heard all this countless times before. For someone like me who has lived by numbers, percentages, and data for the last seven years, you'd think that information would kick me out of flight-phobia. Not quite.

It wasn't until dinner that night. After the day's rush was behind us, when Tim said grace at the restaurant and thanked God for my presence with him on this trip, that the fear of flying left me. A simple statement of gratitude from my boss was what it took to get me over that hump.
I am so blessed to be HERE to be able to put myself on a plane for a business trip. I have patiently pushed my way through many series of treatments, setbacks and victories and there I was, in Pennsylvania on a Monday in April of 2008. I have patiently trusted in God to bring me through all sorts of sickness, pain and anguish. I needed just one more lesson in patience and trust and, as subtle as it may seem, I got it. Why oh why if I had trusted my Lord for my health and healing, would I not trust Him with an airplane flight???

So on Tuesday, after the meetings were over and we set off for home, I was a different person.
I was now a person who was patient with the whole flying experience. We did not experience as many delays, but it didn't matter, I had a good book to read. We did experience quite a bit of turbulence during take-off and landing, but once we were high enough, it was smooth sailing.
It didn't bother me that my bag didn't come off the conveyor belt until near the end. All the things I used to stress over were suddenly too small, too trivial to fret about. And boarding the plane for the flight home was one of the easiest things I have done for travel in a long time.
The things we cannot control we really do have to let go out the window of our minds. So the fear of flying just went flying off into the distance at 26,000ft.

Now back to patience. Thank God for Tim's. It was his calmness, his confidence, his patience with me that served to remind me that if I am not patient and trusting in every aspect of my life,
I'll live like a yo-yo. A devotional I have describes patience as "consistent endurance". The tests and the trials we have (like flying on Monday), don't perfect us in God's eyes, it is what we do with them that counts. We are not made perfect because of bunch of problems come our way,
we're perfected when we stick with what we know to be true, when we trust and have faith, in the middle of it all, in the midst of the clouds.

There is no telling how much of my life has been wasted by stressing and worrying over airline flights. I know I have lost sleep many times over the prospect of getting on a plane. And at a time of my life when I so desperately pray and hope for major things to be swept out of my life for good, I got another lesson from my God and a bonus to boot. I always have to remember that there is no fear where His love is and He is everywhere. After more than 25 years, there is no more fear of flying.

"But let patience have her perfect work, that you may be perfect and whole, wanting nothing"
James 1:4

The Roller Coaster

Do you like roller coaster rides?? I grew up with two brothers that were "riders". Anytime we went to an amusement park, small or large, we had to ride the roller coaster. From the old Swamp Fox in Myrtle Beach to Space Mountain at Disney, I have been on quite a few. There is something about a roller coaster....the anticipation, the climb, that first drop, the feeling of being thrown around at high speed. It is wonderful and frightening, fun and terrifying all rolled into one or two minutes.

Wonderful and frightening. Just like those coaster rides of my youth, coming off regular chemo treatments feels the same way. Just like the long lines for the big rides, I have waited for this time with great anticipation. And just like when that coaster starts the long, slow and jerking climb to the top of the first crest of the ride, I am slightly terrified.

The next moment, the next stretch of track on the ride will bring a stomach-dropping, head-lightening, disorienting, exhilarating drop off of what seems like the edge of the world. That first plummet sets the tone for the rest of the ride. Some people scream, close their eyes, bury their heads, even cry. Others hold their hand over their heads, eyes wide open, screaming with excitement, joy on their faces. Everyone reacts in their own way. And like the coaster riders,
I have a choice to make on how I react to this next ride in the ride for my life.

As I lay in bed yesterday, knocked down by the last round, I was so thankful to know that I had
time again. Time to recover, time to grow hair, time to not feel like a cancer patient. At the same time, I was scared. Scared of not knowing what is coming next....what the drop will be like.....what that first moment at the crest of the ride will mean for me....what choice I will make on how to handle the ride. It is an up and down, around and around emotional time. Again, on my roller coaster ride of cancer, I have to trust. TRUST. Trust that God has good things ahead on the tracks for me. Trust that His hand is on me. Trust that the roller coaster will stay on the tracks and it will be a grand and wonderful ride.....one that I want to ride time and again.

So here I am at the crest. I can see for miles and miles. The roller coaster pauses and then
the drop begins in an instance of weightlessness. And I have my hands up, eyes open, and joy on my face. I am trusting that the ride will be a great one.

"Even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:10

Six hours on Monday

Expectant mothers,
Port puncture and time with Lynn
Sub-waiting
Weigh-in...yikes
Smiling, familiar faces,
Vitals taken
New face to meet,
Hug from Janet
New plans for my next steps,
Old soldiers to see and hug. Sue..Dawn
Dog picture to show off
One nurse missing, one new nurse never seen before
More smiles
Caregivers to greet. Jim
More hugs
New soldiers to meet/Linda, LaDonna
Life-threatening adverse reaction
Controlled panic
Heart rate, blood pressure, oxygen levels
Great concern and worry for a friend
Reaction finally reversed
Relief
Tears
Hand-holding
Comfort to give to a new friend
New stories to hear
Advice to give
New baby to ooh and ahh over
More smiles
Good results to celebrate
Last treatments to cheer about
Red Velvet Cake

It was a busy six hours. I never did finish that Su Do Ku. My head was crowded when I thought about my day in the treatment room yesterday. It is an intense place sometimes. One that can represent the extremes of life. Yesterday was a true mix of the very old and the newborn,
the just starting out and the just getting done, the routine and the not routine at all, the chaos and the calm, laughter and tears, joy and despair, distasteful to sublime, hope and resignation, old hats and neophytes. In all that went on yesterday, I did not fail to recognize nor be amazed by the ever-present, underlying factors that exists in that oncology office. The love, care, and compassion are always behind everything else that is visible in the forefront. Professionalism,
confidence, and concern woven with humor, empathy and thoughtfulness. Hard truths softened
by gentle angels. It is something everyone should see. Life and death condensed. It can forever change you.

This somehow reminds me of a book written by Max Lucado called Six Hours One Friday. It was written about the last six hours of Jesus' life...the hours up to His crucifixion. He experienced such a range of events and emotions in those six hours. It is an intense and inspiring book to read. The enormity of what happened to Christ before his ultimate sacrifice can never be topped or compared, but I experienced a smaller example of "six hours" just yesterday. A microcosm of the same sort of range of human events, the same unselfish sacrifice by nurses and doctors. Where Christ died to save us all, the staff at my oncology office each and in their very own way are slowly and surely saving their patients in some small way every time we walk in. Whether it is something so dramatic as a cure or saving a patient from a potentially deadly reaction to confirming that life continues by showing off a two-week old beautiful baby boy, to baking a cake. We are saved from our fears that we cannot be fixed or taken care of or stuck by a needle or calmed or even fed when we are hungry. It makes me smile and tear up every time I witness it. Some people may dread walking back into that treatment room. I am always looking forward to the small and saving graces that I have no doubt I am about to witness. As always, I count it as a privilige.

"God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." 1 John 16b"

From the low place

Well, I have to admit, I've been a little lax. I went to the beach last week and spent three glorious days doing nothing but indulging myself. Walking in the sand, laying in the sun, eating great meals, even having a frozen margherita or two. (sorry, Janet) I went back to the beach of my childhood, teens, and early adult life. Wrightsville Beach. A place so changed, so out of reach for most all of us financially, but so beautiful to see, so bittersweet at times to remember.

I had to have a little teary moment Friday morning, sitting on the sound side of the island, about wasted youth and not appreciating what you have when you have it and the path I have walked that took me away from that beach 25 years ago. When you have a life-threatening disease, I think it is only natural to look back sometimes and wonder...what if. I also believe that God understands us when we do that and He is there to pull us up out of that low place, if we just look up and ask. As I sat on the beach overlooking the Banks Channel, I also realized something else: I could not remember the last time I had salt water in my mouth.

How bizarre a thought was that? We, who have ports for our chemo treatments, taste saline all the time, but it is different. It is sterile, it tastes foreign, it's pretty yucky. It is a taste and smell we know all to well. But the salt water of the sounds and ocean around Wrightsville is another matter. Salt water in the mouth reminds me of learning to ski when I was twelve, falling countless times, swallowing gallons of the briney stuff until I got it right. Salt water in the mouth reminds me of body surfing in the waves, getting tumbled over and over and coming up sputtering. Salt water in the mouth reminds me of getting dunked in that sound while flirting with my first serious boyfriend, learning to windsurf, getting capsized in a Sunfish sailboat and then a Hobie Cat.

So I got up from my chair, walked to the water's edge, reached down and scooped up a handful of sound salt water and put it in my mouth. It was just as I remembered. Really, really salty....really, really great. I could have never appreciated such a thing had I not been away from it, not just physically, but mentally, for so long. It got me over my moment and made it a moment to savor.

So what does savoring some salt water have to do with anything? I think it reminded me that even though we all have moments of regret, moments of the "what ifs ", we also are given divine little moments when a sight, a sound, a taste reminds us of how far we have come...how much we must appreciate...how much even the salt water can make you humble and grateful and so glad to be able to still taste it all. I have seen and you have read within my journal, where God moves in big and miraculous ways. The salt water was there to remind me He appears always among things like the sand, surf, and salt. We just have to reach down and scoop up a small handful and taste. And that day, last Friday, when I looked up from the low place I had been, I saw nothing but an impossibly blue and clear sky.

"I lift my eyes up to the hills--where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121: 1-2

The wedding

I visited with my old neighbor Nancy the other day. You may have read about her in an earlier post called "Diligence" She is my faithful, spirit-filled friend who has believed in what God has and will do in my life from the spring of 2004. We have done a lot of deep, deep, praying together. And she has known my heart from the get-go.

As we visited, I updated her on the last six weeks. The scan results, the marker back down to 102, the promise of no chemo starting in May. She just smiled, as always, and then she said:
"You better invite me to that wedding." Boy did that statement take me back.....

The first prayer sessions I had with Nancy and her prayer group, they prayed for my healing and I was anointed with oil. The second prayer session, she prayed for the Lord to let me watch Katie walk down the aisle. How could she have possibly known at that time back in 2004 when my daughter was not yet 17 years old, that seeing her wedding...watching her get married....was something I thought I would not live to see. It was an event that had stuck in my heart like a thorn. This was the one thing I was the saddest about if my life was to be over sooner than it should. I was crying over wedding commercials, couldn't bear to see someone in a wedding dress, or see an engagement ring. I was mourning back in 2004, back when "metastatic" became my condition, that I would miss this important time in Katie's life. Back then, I just wanted to see her graduate from high school...the wedding was already a dream lost to me.

But Nancy didn't think so. More importantly she thought that she should ask God to allow me to
reach that dream. Out of the blue, on a Tuesday morning in the spring of 2004, she prayed to the Lord to let me be there for my daughter's wedding. Nancy barely knew me at the time. Her prayer knocked me over and made me fall to pieces. Somehow she knew I had not asked for
this from the Lord, so she asked for me. Over the last four years we have mentioned "the wedding". That prayer continues to keep me looking forward. There have been times when I didn't think I would make it to college graduation, but Nancy has never stopped believing in the wedding.

No, there is no wedding in sight right now. Katie does have a boyfriend (they are back together),
but she will tell you that marriage is not in the picture right now and that's okay with me. I can see her graduating next year and I will be there. I can see her finding a great job and getting settled in and starting her adult life. And, in my mind's eye, I am beginning to see her at her wedding.....the most beautiful bride ever.

God bless Nancy for being faithful in that one prayer. While not knowing where the road with me would take her, she has been firm in her belief that when she prayed on that spring day for God to allow me to be at the wedding of my beloved daughter, the He heard her and would answer her in due time. Friends, that is faith. You can see that as you read Paul's definition:

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see..." Hebrews 11:1

Glimpse x 3

This is the third entry where I'm going to write about glimpses....little windows of time where time is magnified and things have real meaning. Remember when I wrote about the first glimpse? It was waaaaay back in November '07. I was laying in the PET scanner having what would turn out to be devastating pictures taken of my body to see why my marker was so high and where the creeping enemy had crept to. I had a moment that, after being on chemotherapy regimens for almost two years solid, my body felt healthy and normal. I did not know what that glimpse was about then, but I do now. It was God promising that no matter what I was going to hear over the next frightening weeks, I would feel okay again. Of couse, He was true to His word. It happened yesterday. From the time I woke up until the time I finally went to sleep, I had a full, active day...walking, dancing around the house ("dance it out"), running errands, grilling out, having a glass of wine..enjoying the day pain free, fatigue free. When I finally made it to bed close to 11:00 p.m., my feet ached, but it was just because I was on them all day, not from neuropathy. All day I was aware of the fact that I felt so alive, so healthy. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. I couldn't stop being grateful to God.

Today has started off in much the same manor. I have been working at my job, dancing around the house, ready to take on another normal day. As I sat down to write I couldn't help but think about the glimpses we get as we go through life. Do we pay enough attention when God offers them to us?? I don't think so.

Wednesday I sat with a fellow soldier named Sara. She has been metastatic one year less than me. She had a lot of questions. We talked about a lot of chemos and options. She doesn't want to lose her hair...she wants to be as normal as possible. I hope that as we sat there, she realized she was getting a glimpse. She was getting a small window of time with me, magnified, where she could look into the future and know that even when the disease seems to be taking over, even when your marker is over 1000, even when your doctor asks you to bring in a list of things you want to get done in your remaining life for your next consultation, there is still hope. I, along with Maha and Janet, had put hope on the line, I had put my hope in the Lord, and look what I got......a glimpse come true....a small promise fulfilled.

Don't miss the glimpses, you may miss the promise:

"I have promised to bring you up out of your misery........into the land of milk and honey" Exodus 3:17

The Book

"I hope you're writing a book." Val said to me after I told her about my latest progress with Ixempra and the last five amazing months. Even though Val is only second to Debbie in the duration of our friendship, she does not hear about the week-to-week drama that most of us go through with my treatments. She has a very busy life and a lot on her plate in the personal
department, so she gets her updates from Deb or me on a less frequent basis. Anyway, when she said the familiar "book" phrase, I said that I was writing everything down..bit by bit...story by story. Val has a strong history of breast cancer in her family, has lost one aunt, her mother and one sister have already fought the battle and won with early detection, so the subject is very real to her. She has always wanted me to write a book, ever since my 2001 transplant.

When I think about putting things in a book, I am always wondering about the format. What will be the overall theme, where will all the stories come from, can I remember enough stuff, will people be interested? One of the reasons I started putting things down on this site was to remember, to share, to have it in writing even as it was happening. I have come to realize that God's faithfulness is my overall theme, the stories are endlessly supplied by Him, enough stuff is happening as we go along, and who cares if anyone is interested.......it would be a book to honor Him and encourage others.

For instance, I was given four scriptures from my sister-in-law Jackie a couple of weeks ago when I was down and hurting from treatment. She will tell you that these scriptures came from the Lord and I believe her. They are a message when put together can sum up what is going on here, what faith and trust and the Lord has in mind. All I need to do is read them every day and be amazed how four scriptures from four different books can come together for a great message. When God stuff like this happens to me, I pay close attention:

"Therefore he is able to save completely those who come to God through him because he always lives to intercede for them." Hebrews 7:25
"When he had gone indoors, the blind men came to him and he asked them, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?"" Matthew 9:27
"And God is able to make all grace abound to you so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." 2 Corinthians 9:8
"He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed, the God who gives life to the dead and call things that are not as though they were." Romans 4:17

These scriptures, given in this order, is the theme, the tale, my story. The first three scriptures are talking about Christ. I believe the words. Christ lives to intercede for me, He can save me completely. I have to not be blinded by all that I feel physically, all that I am told and believe that He is able to do this. Then there is grace, so much grace I have already received. God is working through me to do good works...to imitate Christ, and He sees to it that I have all that I need.

In trying to get the message of the fourth scripture, at first I thought the line about "life to the dead" was for me. It is definitely conviction that God has the ultimate power to make things not as they were. I thought that was the fourth and ending theme for these divine scriptures. But as I sat down to write down on paper about the four scriptures and to make sure they were not forgotten and were in "the book", I realized something else...something bigger.

In Romans, chapter 4, Paul is talking about Abraham. Abraham the father of many nations. Abraham, who was justified by faith. Abraham, who just happens to be the father of both nations that represent my faith and Maha's faith. Abraham, our connector. So maybe, just maybe the first part of the scripture is really where my message is, where my story continues.
God telling me that he is the God of Abraham...my God...Maha's God. The same God who will give life and call things that are not as though they were. We are all in this together, under His care on so many levels, it is truly amazing.

So when I think about writing my book, I will always know where my inspiration will come from.
The original Book, the Book of all books, has so much material, so much encouragement, so many miracles, so many messages...I just need to remember to look and look again. Only then will I see the importance of the first part of the fourth scripture of my life battle. Only then will I receive the full blessing of what God is whispering.

Glimpse of Heaven

We went to the beach this past weekend. I heard the weather in the central part of NC was terrible. "A deluge" one friend told me on the phone. For some reason we were blessed with weather at Holden beach good enough for me to hunt for seashells, sit and read, ponder life,
catch two fish off the dock, sit on the deck and read some more, go to Myrtle Beach for dinner and a concert. (Boz Scaggs) It rained when we slept or while we were in the House of Blues,
otherwise, we were never affected.

Stuff like that makes me wonder. It makes me wonder and appreciate every minute with our friends Val and Scott. I was extremely aware of the good fortune of being able to go and do and enjoy..... only five days after a treatment. I believe one of the benefits of cancer is being aware, being appreciative, being alive and in the moment, being grateful to God. It's just that every once in a while a trip, and event, a day goes so well, so perfect, you can see His hands all over it. Every time the sun came out this past weekend, every walk we made, every bit of my enjoyment seemed blessed....divine. So simple a weekend, so great His plan.

My husband and I will never forget our Holden Beach trip. It is a great memory. For us, the rhythm of life, the affirmation of something so much more grand than we, lies just hours away
at the beach. Just one look to the east, at the waves and the vastness of the beautiful ocean,
and you know there is only One who could have created something so spectacular. Walk over the dunes and onto the sand and you are humbled by the grandness of it all. It was just what I needed. Just a glimpse of heaven to get me through these next three weeks. It was just a reminder of the endless, vast and loving God who walks with me everyday....especially when I am at the beach.

I encourage everyone, whether you're in the battle or not, to find your glimpse of heaven and
get yourself there as often as possible.

"Their mind is on earthly things, but our citizenship is in heaven." Phillipians 3:20

The Numbers

The numbers, the numbers, we're always looking at the numbers. For the past four years in particular, we have played a game of numbers. Tumor markers, circulating tumor counts, mm size lesions, platelets, white blood counts, red blood counts, liver function. We have always watched the numbers. In the cancer game, these numbers have the power to bring on joy or disappointment, sickness or well-being, pain or comfort,..... life and death. There have been times when I have refused to believe the numbers and other times when I would swear by them.

"You need to let go of the numbers." My ever-wise and spiritual sister-in-law wrote to me one day. "Throw them out! They mean nothing in the healing plan of the Lord." By concentrating on the numbers, she went on to write, I was not focused on what God had already done for me.
I was ignoring the promises He had already given me. So much easier said than done. After four intensive years of number-watching, I just couldn't stop worrying about the numbers, could I???

At one time I would have told anyone that the numbers mean everything. A marker of less than 37, a CTC of 1 or 0, lesions of no measurable size, normals across the board. THAT has always been our goal. I am slowly coming to realize that I need to leave those goals up to Maha and Janet and the medical community. MY goals need to be to honor the God who has never left me nor forsaken me. Honor Him by walking as if the numbers are already normal. Serving others, praying for others, fulfilling His will for me in ways OTHER than the numbers. I have concentrated so much energy on the numbers, spent so much time worrying, waiting, fretting about the numbers, I had to ask for forgiveness. For in all that worry, every time I ask again for the numbers to be lower, to be normal, it is as if I don't think God heard me the first time. It's like I don't believe in His power to make me whole at all.....that I do not have faith in what I have asked for and what He has promised. How weak of me.

At this time, the numbers are good, they are my friend. But I can never trust them to be friendly, stay low, look good. They have deceived me before. The only constant I have, the only thing I can trust is that God loves me and will take care of me. So when you all are praying for me, pray for strength, pray for no pain, pray for energy, pray for wisdom, discernment, humility, compassion, pray for my family and the girls......but do not pray for my healing. We've already done that. We've got that one covered and God has heard us.......Let's not nag Him. Let's just claim the promise:

"The length of our days is seventy years--or eighty, if we have the strength;" Psalms 90:10

All that glitters

"Do you realize you have glitter all over your face?" This question was posed to me by a woman at church whom I was praying for, telling her I would cook for her one day this week. Her husband is in some serious trouble in his cancer battle. They are treating him in the hospital with chemo 24/7 for nine days. She is drooping with exhaustion. We were in the church sanctuary after the service, during prayer time. I was puzzled by the fact that she was so focused on the gold glitter that seemed to be on me. I wondered who I had hugged that had transferred the glitter onto my face. Then another man, our church leader of healing prayer noticed the glitter. He asked me if my eyeshadow contained glitter. (no) He asked if my blush contained glitter. (no...I'm 52 for gosh sakes) Apparently other people started looking at it...all around my nose, my mouth, under my eyes. I was perplexed.....they were not. "The Glory of the Lord is on your face, " one man said. Now that was a stunner.....I had never heard of such a thing. But in this house of God where they believe in the absolute power of God, everyone around me knew of the glitter. It is always gold when it shows up. It always shows up when you are doing something pleasing to the Lord for other people. In one simple act of concentrating on someone else's struggles, in praying for a caregiver and offering to lighten her load, God had shown favor on me in a simple way which I would have never known about were it not for those around me who knew Him better.

It was a tangible reward for a simple act. I am always amazed by the people I meet who are in need of many things...comfort and courage, rest and reassurance, the diminishing of fear and the affirmation of life. Every single time that I reach out to one of them, every time I turn away from myself and touch another, it is such a blessing for me and I now know it is really pleasing to
God. So pleasing, in fact, that He may just sprinkle a little glory on you when you least expect.
It was a perfect lesson for me. Always, always help others if you can. Pray, touch, talk, listen.
Be the compassionate human that He created you to be. It is not all about you but rather all about what you can do to bring Him honor.

So this week, even though I had a treatment on Monday, I will be cooking for Hilda and praying for her husband. I will be praying for the two newly diagnosed women I met yesterday at the doctor's office, praying for my girls to be covered with compassion, love and patience. I will not be focused on side effects and medications, I will be focused on others....there are always other people who need the Lord worse that I do.

The footnote to all this: When I left church Sunday, I hurried to the car to look in the rearview mirror to find the glitter. Out in the daylight, away from the church...it was gone. I never got to see it and that's the point. Others saw it....others knew..and that is what matters.

"To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory." Col 1:27