The Numbers

The numbers, the numbers, we're always looking at the numbers. For the past four years in particular, we have played a game of numbers. Tumor markers, circulating tumor counts, mm size lesions, platelets, white blood counts, red blood counts, liver function. We have always watched the numbers. In the cancer game, these numbers have the power to bring on joy or disappointment, sickness or well-being, pain or comfort,..... life and death. There have been times when I have refused to believe the numbers and other times when I would swear by them.

"You need to let go of the numbers." My ever-wise and spiritual sister-in-law wrote to me one day. "Throw them out! They mean nothing in the healing plan of the Lord." By concentrating on the numbers, she went on to write, I was not focused on what God had already done for me.
I was ignoring the promises He had already given me. So much easier said than done. After four intensive years of number-watching, I just couldn't stop worrying about the numbers, could I???

At one time I would have told anyone that the numbers mean everything. A marker of less than 37, a CTC of 1 or 0, lesions of no measurable size, normals across the board. THAT has always been our goal. I am slowly coming to realize that I need to leave those goals up to Maha and Janet and the medical community. MY goals need to be to honor the God who has never left me nor forsaken me. Honor Him by walking as if the numbers are already normal. Serving others, praying for others, fulfilling His will for me in ways OTHER than the numbers. I have concentrated so much energy on the numbers, spent so much time worrying, waiting, fretting about the numbers, I had to ask for forgiveness. For in all that worry, every time I ask again for the numbers to be lower, to be normal, it is as if I don't think God heard me the first time. It's like I don't believe in His power to make me whole at all.....that I do not have faith in what I have asked for and what He has promised. How weak of me.

At this time, the numbers are good, they are my friend. But I can never trust them to be friendly, stay low, look good. They have deceived me before. The only constant I have, the only thing I can trust is that God loves me and will take care of me. So when you all are praying for me, pray for strength, pray for no pain, pray for energy, pray for wisdom, discernment, humility, compassion, pray for my family and the girls......but do not pray for my healing. We've already done that. We've got that one covered and God has heard us.......Let's not nag Him. Let's just claim the promise:

"The length of our days is seventy years--or eighty, if we have the strength;" Psalms 90:10