Girlfriends:
We nurture each other. We are steadfastly in the background of each other's lives. Then, when we get together, our love for each other comes to the forefront. It is like we have always been this important, this prominent with one another. Our separate lives fall behind us and our girlfriend times take the lead for one lunch, one night, one weekend. How special the time is, how fun...how there is truly nothing else like it.
Like Mary Magdalene with Jesus, my girlfriends are always present in the background in my life's journey. They are not noticed by anyone who sees me on a daily basis, but let something profound, miraculous, devastating, joyous, major happen and they are there for me as I am for them. We will wipe each others' feet, wounds and tears. We visit and pray when someone is sick; celebrate each others' triumphs, follow each other into Jerusalem and help bear each others' crosses.
No matter how each of our journeys may go, the others will be there, waiting with love, a word, a touch, a heart that only comes from girlfriends......always to the end.
"This is my command: Love each other." John 15:17
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Pieces of Steel
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
Sounds great, doesn't it??? There are times in my struggles when I have looked at this passage of scripture and thought what good could God be working right now??? When your scans are bad, or the side effects are almost unbearable, what good could He have in mind? What good is God working when a friend's 15-year old daughter dies after a two year battle with Ewings Sarcoma? What could He be thinking when a 42-year old wife and mother of three young children dies within 5 months of her diagnosis of intestinal cancer? What is the meaning of hearing of a Jewish woman being healed of advanced lung cancer by Christ Jesus at a Christian
healing conference??? If this all seems whiny and resentful...well it is.
But not by me.....not any longer. Through all my struggles, I have learned many things and one of those things is to look at the whole scripture, not just parts, to find the real meaning of what the writer was trying to say. In Romans 8:28, you have to give as much weight to the second
part of the scripture as well as to the first part, which is the most often quoted.
The scripture doesn't say good things will happen to those who love God. No, rather it says
God will work to defend us, guard us, guide us and use us as we have been called to HIS PURPOSE. Stuff happens to people all the time, every day. Tragedy, sickness, death.....unfairness!!!! There is no selective process and no one is exempt from the possibility. So we have to, as His faithful, try to focus on His greater purpose.
I wish I could take credit for the "Pieces of Steel' analogy to this scripture, but I heard it on the radio during a long business trip on a day when I most needed to hear it. Of course, I was not surprised by God's perfect timing. It goes something like this:
There was a very popular preacher who was doing great things at a growing and spiritual church. He was so sure that he was doing exactly God's work and fulfilling God's purpose for him in his life. People were coming to church, coming to Christ, and coming together for the glory of God. And then his twenty-year old son committed suicide.
The preacher was devastated. He came to his friend (who was telling the story on the radio) and said, "through all my years of ministry I have used Romans 8:28 as a source a comfort and encouragement to people who have asked 'why did this thing happen to me?'. Now, I realize I cannot possibly make sense of or believe what this scripture says because my son has taken his own life. How am I supposed to go on?" (How many times have you every felt like that?)
The friend came up with this analogy: Imagine you have walked into a naval shipyard somewhere on the coast. There are a lot of construction materials laying around, people hard at work, but nothing really for you to see but piles of steel and metal and rivets and wires. You come upon a piece of steel lying on the ground. If you could pick up that piece of steel and throw it into the water, what would it do? Would it float or sink? Why sink, of course, because looking at the piece of steel all alone makes it just that...one heavy sinking piece of steel.
Now, two years later, you come back to the shipyard. All the pieces of steel are now gone. In their place, at a dock on the water is a big beautiful new battleship. Somewhere in that battleship is your piece of steel. That same piece of steel that was looked at as a single entity and subsequently sank is now floating along with many other pieces of steel. And not only is it floating but your piece of steel is part of a greatly planned and executed project set to defend
the greater good of a nation.
So when you are down, discouraged, devastated...lost... remember the piece of steel. As long as all you can focus on is the one piece of steel, you will sink. Romans 8:28 reminds us that our real hope is where that piece of steel fits into a greatly planned and executed project He has designed for "those who have been called according to His purpose." Your piece of steel, my piece of steel, will be fit into a magnificent and mighty place because we love Him.
Always, always have faith, for without it, we sink.
Sounds great, doesn't it??? There are times in my struggles when I have looked at this passage of scripture and thought what good could God be working right now??? When your scans are bad, or the side effects are almost unbearable, what good could He have in mind? What good is God working when a friend's 15-year old daughter dies after a two year battle with Ewings Sarcoma? What could He be thinking when a 42-year old wife and mother of three young children dies within 5 months of her diagnosis of intestinal cancer? What is the meaning of hearing of a Jewish woman being healed of advanced lung cancer by Christ Jesus at a Christian
healing conference??? If this all seems whiny and resentful...well it is.
But not by me.....not any longer. Through all my struggles, I have learned many things and one of those things is to look at the whole scripture, not just parts, to find the real meaning of what the writer was trying to say. In Romans 8:28, you have to give as much weight to the second
part of the scripture as well as to the first part, which is the most often quoted.
The scripture doesn't say good things will happen to those who love God. No, rather it says
God will work to defend us, guard us, guide us and use us as we have been called to HIS PURPOSE. Stuff happens to people all the time, every day. Tragedy, sickness, death.....unfairness!!!! There is no selective process and no one is exempt from the possibility. So we have to, as His faithful, try to focus on His greater purpose.
I wish I could take credit for the "Pieces of Steel' analogy to this scripture, but I heard it on the radio during a long business trip on a day when I most needed to hear it. Of course, I was not surprised by God's perfect timing. It goes something like this:
There was a very popular preacher who was doing great things at a growing and spiritual church. He was so sure that he was doing exactly God's work and fulfilling God's purpose for him in his life. People were coming to church, coming to Christ, and coming together for the glory of God. And then his twenty-year old son committed suicide.
The preacher was devastated. He came to his friend (who was telling the story on the radio) and said, "through all my years of ministry I have used Romans 8:28 as a source a comfort and encouragement to people who have asked 'why did this thing happen to me?'. Now, I realize I cannot possibly make sense of or believe what this scripture says because my son has taken his own life. How am I supposed to go on?" (How many times have you every felt like that?)
The friend came up with this analogy: Imagine you have walked into a naval shipyard somewhere on the coast. There are a lot of construction materials laying around, people hard at work, but nothing really for you to see but piles of steel and metal and rivets and wires. You come upon a piece of steel lying on the ground. If you could pick up that piece of steel and throw it into the water, what would it do? Would it float or sink? Why sink, of course, because looking at the piece of steel all alone makes it just that...one heavy sinking piece of steel.
Now, two years later, you come back to the shipyard. All the pieces of steel are now gone. In their place, at a dock on the water is a big beautiful new battleship. Somewhere in that battleship is your piece of steel. That same piece of steel that was looked at as a single entity and subsequently sank is now floating along with many other pieces of steel. And not only is it floating but your piece of steel is part of a greatly planned and executed project set to defend
the greater good of a nation.
So when you are down, discouraged, devastated...lost... remember the piece of steel. As long as all you can focus on is the one piece of steel, you will sink. Romans 8:28 reminds us that our real hope is where that piece of steel fits into a greatly planned and executed project He has designed for "those who have been called according to His purpose." Your piece of steel, my piece of steel, will be fit into a magnificent and mighty place because we love Him.
Always, always have faith, for without it, we sink.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Fingernails
I know it seems crazy, but for the longest time, I have had one secret indulgence: fingernails. Since I discovered acrylic nails back in the early 1990's, I have always kept, long, expensive, beautiful fake fingernails on my hands. Those of you who have naturally thin, bad nails like I have had all my life can appreciate this luxury. Those of you who have acrylic nails know about their upkeep and expense, taking a commitment of a visit to your salon every two weeks to keep them looking long and elegant. I even graduated eventually to the most expensive form of these nails; pink and white acrylic, done to look like a French manicure.
Back in 2001, after diagnosis, prognosis, and treatment options were being weighed, I had been told about many things to expect. I would receive as much chemo as a body could take. I would feel terrible before I could get better. I would lose my hair, possibly everywhere on my body.
There were things like infections, mouth sores, fevers and fatigue in my future. I should consider having an stem cell transplant for maximum benefit and minimizing the cancer's return. And even after all this, we may still face a recurrence and early death. The numbers did not stack up in my favor. All of this news I took rather well. Sat stoically in the doctors'
offices trying to be analytical and logical and understand medical jargon that was new and daunting. And it wasn't until I sat in a transplant physician's office at Duke University, had him
look down at my hands and say, "you're going to have to lose those nails", that I completely came undone. My one little indulgence, my one area of beauty that I thought I could keep and the cancer could not take was going to be taken after all.
The next spring, after five rounds of chemo, a stem cell transplant, and six weeks of radiation,
I went back into a salon and put those pink and white acrylic nails back on. It was a great day!
Another victory for me. Another defeat for the disease. And so from April of 2002 until August
of 2007, despite advise from my doctor and nurse practitioner, I have faithfully kept the nails on.
I guess you're wondering why I thought it was important to tell you about my fingernails. The point of the story is this: sometimes God uses such little things to do his work that if we're not careful we will miss the chance to recognize the opportunity to join Him in that work,
You see, for the longest time people have been after me to write about my journey over the last seven years. I have hundreds of handwritten journal entries and many more experiences in my head, but I never wanted to take the time to try to write these things in a format where others would have access to them. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard, "you ought to write a book."
The reason I resisted writing about what God, faith, family and friends have done for me over the years???? It was because of the fingernails. That's right....my long, beautiful fingernails made it very difficult for me to type on my laptop keyboard. I used to make so many typos it wasn't funny. Besides, I wanted to talk about my experiences, not write about them, so my ineptness on a keyboard (because of the nails) was a convenient excuse.
And so, in August of this year when Abraxane (chemo) finally starting killing my natural nails underneath my acrylics, the long nails came off. The next time some one said, "I wish you had something written down that I could share with others" I started writing...here on a blogspot...and typing who knows how many words per minute because I had no fingernails to get in the way. Just my own, yellowed, short trimmed, badly polished nails, allowing me to do what God had intended all along. He wants me to write and so I do...for His glory. Amen
"...My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord."
Isaiah 55:8
Back in 2001, after diagnosis, prognosis, and treatment options were being weighed, I had been told about many things to expect. I would receive as much chemo as a body could take. I would feel terrible before I could get better. I would lose my hair, possibly everywhere on my body.
There were things like infections, mouth sores, fevers and fatigue in my future. I should consider having an stem cell transplant for maximum benefit and minimizing the cancer's return. And even after all this, we may still face a recurrence and early death. The numbers did not stack up in my favor. All of this news I took rather well. Sat stoically in the doctors'
offices trying to be analytical and logical and understand medical jargon that was new and daunting. And it wasn't until I sat in a transplant physician's office at Duke University, had him
look down at my hands and say, "you're going to have to lose those nails", that I completely came undone. My one little indulgence, my one area of beauty that I thought I could keep and the cancer could not take was going to be taken after all.
The next spring, after five rounds of chemo, a stem cell transplant, and six weeks of radiation,
I went back into a salon and put those pink and white acrylic nails back on. It was a great day!
Another victory for me. Another defeat for the disease. And so from April of 2002 until August
of 2007, despite advise from my doctor and nurse practitioner, I have faithfully kept the nails on.
I guess you're wondering why I thought it was important to tell you about my fingernails. The point of the story is this: sometimes God uses such little things to do his work that if we're not careful we will miss the chance to recognize the opportunity to join Him in that work,
You see, for the longest time people have been after me to write about my journey over the last seven years. I have hundreds of handwritten journal entries and many more experiences in my head, but I never wanted to take the time to try to write these things in a format where others would have access to them. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard, "you ought to write a book."
The reason I resisted writing about what God, faith, family and friends have done for me over the years???? It was because of the fingernails. That's right....my long, beautiful fingernails made it very difficult for me to type on my laptop keyboard. I used to make so many typos it wasn't funny. Besides, I wanted to talk about my experiences, not write about them, so my ineptness on a keyboard (because of the nails) was a convenient excuse.
And so, in August of this year when Abraxane (chemo) finally starting killing my natural nails underneath my acrylics, the long nails came off. The next time some one said, "I wish you had something written down that I could share with others" I started writing...here on a blogspot...and typing who knows how many words per minute because I had no fingernails to get in the way. Just my own, yellowed, short trimmed, badly polished nails, allowing me to do what God had intended all along. He wants me to write and so I do...for His glory. Amen
"...My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord."
Isaiah 55:8
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Waiting
It is February 16, 2004 and I am in waiting for the news that I know is coming. I have been at Rex hospital with a tube in my chest, draining fluid, having scopes, scans and blood tests. It is a Monday and she has waited until the days' end to tell me.
"I just want to see my daughter graduate from high school", I say.
"I think we can do that", she says back.
The thing that I was so afraid of for so long has happened. It is back....in two places.....my bones and my chest wall lymph nodes. And so begins an incredible journey of faith, family, friends,
and modern medicine.
Ten months later, I am back on the tables, having scans and tests. It is the week before Christmas and I am committing a no-no. I am allowing these tests to be run before a major holiday. I have stepped out on complete faith that healing has happened in this body. It was a wonderful Christmas.
"I have set my goals too short", I say to her that spring of 2005. "Graduation is in six weeks."
"How about we go for grandmother status?" she says back.
Oh yeah.
We are still working toward that goal. In 17 months, my daughter will graduate from college.
And even though we still are in the midst of a struggle, and the scans, scopes, and blood tests
have not been the best, we do not give up or give in. There is still so much to see and do. And we still have a purpose to fulfill. God's purpose, God's promise. His grace is upon us.
"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:16
"I just want to see my daughter graduate from high school", I say.
"I think we can do that", she says back.
The thing that I was so afraid of for so long has happened. It is back....in two places.....my bones and my chest wall lymph nodes. And so begins an incredible journey of faith, family, friends,
and modern medicine.
Ten months later, I am back on the tables, having scans and tests. It is the week before Christmas and I am committing a no-no. I am allowing these tests to be run before a major holiday. I have stepped out on complete faith that healing has happened in this body. It was a wonderful Christmas.
"I have set my goals too short", I say to her that spring of 2005. "Graduation is in six weeks."
"How about we go for grandmother status?" she says back.
Oh yeah.
We are still working toward that goal. In 17 months, my daughter will graduate from college.
And even though we still are in the midst of a struggle, and the scans, scopes, and blood tests
have not been the best, we do not give up or give in. There is still so much to see and do. And we still have a purpose to fulfill. God's purpose, God's promise. His grace is upon us.
"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 5:16
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Maha
There you are again, such beauty and grace
Concern, love and compassion all over your face
Showing me data we'd both like to erase.
But these are the facts that we cannot deny
The cards I've been dealt can't be shuffled, we've tried.
So we swallow and stare and the hand side by side.
This isn't the first meeting like this and won't be the last
We talk about future possibilities and go over the past
Knowing you'll do your best with the die I've been cast.
And so Maha, my doctor, my beautiful friend,
We are off to do battle against our enemy again.
A fight that the data shows we probably won't win.
But that doesn't stop us, no, not you and I
We'll find something together and give it a try.
Never losing the purpose and faith, never asking why.
For we have God behind us, oh yes ma'am we do.
Even though some say our God is really two;
Two different ones, but we know what is true:
God is always with us, of that there is no doubt.
We can stand firm in that knowledge, no matter how this turns out.
With all the different options, our FAITH has the most clout.
So my beautiful Muslim sister, I want you to know
I'm still ready for anything; let's get it on with the show.
Even though we don't know where this path will go.
I do know that Christ the Physician is by my side.
He carries me through and has you along for the ride.
This was a divine plan and cannot be denied.
My Lord loves us both, and he gives me the strength
to follow through this path, no matter how painful the length.
Praying through the numbers for victory, for He reigns!
Maha, know one but our Creator knows what you mean to me. I thank God every day that
you are my earthly physician, helping me through this journey. I love you.
Kathy
Concern, love and compassion all over your face
Showing me data we'd both like to erase.
But these are the facts that we cannot deny
The cards I've been dealt can't be shuffled, we've tried.
So we swallow and stare and the hand side by side.
This isn't the first meeting like this and won't be the last
We talk about future possibilities and go over the past
Knowing you'll do your best with the die I've been cast.
And so Maha, my doctor, my beautiful friend,
We are off to do battle against our enemy again.
A fight that the data shows we probably won't win.
But that doesn't stop us, no, not you and I
We'll find something together and give it a try.
Never losing the purpose and faith, never asking why.
For we have God behind us, oh yes ma'am we do.
Even though some say our God is really two;
Two different ones, but we know what is true:
God is always with us, of that there is no doubt.
We can stand firm in that knowledge, no matter how this turns out.
With all the different options, our FAITH has the most clout.
So my beautiful Muslim sister, I want you to know
I'm still ready for anything; let's get it on with the show.
Even though we don't know where this path will go.
I do know that Christ the Physician is by my side.
He carries me through and has you along for the ride.
This was a divine plan and cannot be denied.
My Lord loves us both, and he gives me the strength
to follow through this path, no matter how painful the length.
Praying through the numbers for victory, for He reigns!
Maha, know one but our Creator knows what you mean to me. I thank God every day that
you are my earthly physician, helping me through this journey. I love you.
Kathy
Friday, November 16, 2007
Faces in the Fire
How did we all end up here?? All these families and faces thrown together in such a small space. Some faces are slack with the lack of caring anymore. Some faces are tight with worry and fear. Some faces are full of self-pity, anger, and disbelief. And some faces are pleasant, peaceful....cheerful. Some of us who sit in the far corner by the nurses' station entrance sit back while we are filled with chemicals and drugs and laugh, joke, share personal stories and information, share our life. The others sometimes look at us with disbelief. How can we act so happy in the a room full of needles, pain, disappointment and disease???
We can because we choose to. We are a bunch of glass-half-full kind of people. We're dealing with an awful fact and making it a cheerful inconvenience. We are walking through the fire together; facing the situation and refusing to be burned.
I would have never chosen to be thrown into this fire, but just like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the book of Daniel, I am walking around in the furnace, believing in the Lord who loves me and refusing to be consumed by the flames. Those faces in the fire along with me also believe that the fire shapes us, molds us, takes us to a Godly place where we are not yet delivered but always safe. Don't misunderstand me...I would rather get out of the oven. But I know that the Lord has a purpose and a season and a reason for my being where I am. My clothes may be scorched, but I am oh so thankful that another day is ending and I still am not burnt.
By the way, did you know that the soldiers that actually threw the three men into the furnace in Daniel were killed by the heat of the furnace just because they got so close? Not even in the fire itself, and still it consumed them. I see so many faces like those soldiers; have know too many people just like them..
Oh ye of little faith........
"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it..."
Daniel 3:17
We can because we choose to. We are a bunch of glass-half-full kind of people. We're dealing with an awful fact and making it a cheerful inconvenience. We are walking through the fire together; facing the situation and refusing to be burned.
I would have never chosen to be thrown into this fire, but just like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the book of Daniel, I am walking around in the furnace, believing in the Lord who loves me and refusing to be consumed by the flames. Those faces in the fire along with me also believe that the fire shapes us, molds us, takes us to a Godly place where we are not yet delivered but always safe. Don't misunderstand me...I would rather get out of the oven. But I know that the Lord has a purpose and a season and a reason for my being where I am. My clothes may be scorched, but I am oh so thankful that another day is ending and I still am not burnt.
By the way, did you know that the soldiers that actually threw the three men into the furnace in Daniel were killed by the heat of the furnace just because they got so close? Not even in the fire itself, and still it consumed them. I see so many faces like those soldiers; have know too many people just like them..
Oh ye of little faith........
"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it..."
Daniel 3:17
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
All the Angels
Do you remember some years back the rage about Angels? Angels became en vogue. Books were written, pins worn, stores were opened and theories tossed about. Suddenly, people were focusing more on God's heavenly hosts than the Host Himself. Angels were all around us...you could call on them for protection and help...they were beautiful creatures ever-present in our world, just hard to see unless you really believed. I never got into that. I always felt that I only needed to call on the Lord who is always at work around us, an ever-present help in time of trouble, hard to see unless you believe......
Well, all the angel hub-bub has died down. There are still angel pins, statues, cards and dolls,
but they are not the be-all focus they once were. A lesson maybe in God being our one true and faithful constant in life, our center of the spokes on the wheel.
Even though I never got caught in the angel rage, I think about that time (late 90's) and realize that I had no way of knowing that I myself would end up seeing so many angels in the next decade.
These angels I know do not wear white robes, they wear colorful scrubs and dye their hair red. They do not have wings, they have kids who play soccer and dogs they take on vacations. They sing in an earthly choir at church and do Sudoku like me. They will pray with me when they think no one else can hear and hug me every chance they get. Every week, they smile, stick me with a needle and pour toxic liquids into my veins with as much positive energy as you can imagine. They treat people like me every day, five days a week. People whom they come to love, some people they know they will watch slowly go downhill, people they help cure, people they help live longer, people they lose. They hold trembling hands, dry tears and cry their own.
They share our joy in victories and mourn our failures. They represent hope, health, and a promise of another day. These angels make a horrible and nasty time bearable, pleasant, heck sometimes, even fun.
The angels I see today are here on earth in the form of oncology nurses. They have names like Janet, Jan, Gail, Jennifer, Lynn and Jeanine. They are tireless in their mission. They are beautiful creatures ever-present in my world. I look to them for protection and help. Sometimes I think most people can't see them for what they really are, because, unlike me,
they don't believe. I know where all the angels are....believe me. God has put them in a small oncology office in Cary NC.
"....some people have entertained angels without knowing it." Hebrews 13:2"
Well, all the angel hub-bub has died down. There are still angel pins, statues, cards and dolls,
but they are not the be-all focus they once were. A lesson maybe in God being our one true and faithful constant in life, our center of the spokes on the wheel.
Even though I never got caught in the angel rage, I think about that time (late 90's) and realize that I had no way of knowing that I myself would end up seeing so many angels in the next decade.
These angels I know do not wear white robes, they wear colorful scrubs and dye their hair red. They do not have wings, they have kids who play soccer and dogs they take on vacations. They sing in an earthly choir at church and do Sudoku like me. They will pray with me when they think no one else can hear and hug me every chance they get. Every week, they smile, stick me with a needle and pour toxic liquids into my veins with as much positive energy as you can imagine. They treat people like me every day, five days a week. People whom they come to love, some people they know they will watch slowly go downhill, people they help cure, people they help live longer, people they lose. They hold trembling hands, dry tears and cry their own.
They share our joy in victories and mourn our failures. They represent hope, health, and a promise of another day. These angels make a horrible and nasty time bearable, pleasant, heck sometimes, even fun.
The angels I see today are here on earth in the form of oncology nurses. They have names like Janet, Jan, Gail, Jennifer, Lynn and Jeanine. They are tireless in their mission. They are beautiful creatures ever-present in my world. I look to them for protection and help. Sometimes I think most people can't see them for what they really are, because, unlike me,
they don't believe. I know where all the angels are....believe me. God has put them in a small oncology office in Cary NC.
"....some people have entertained angels without knowing it." Hebrews 13:2"
Billboards
I had been told through prayerful prophesy that God would use me through speaking, writing, and billboards. Billboards?? How could the person praying with me possibly know about the billboard?? That one word, her one utterance from the Lord and at that moment I knew I needed to tell about the billboard.......
It was the spring of 2006. I cannot tell you what treatment I was receiving at the time, but all I know is that my tumor marker was on the rise again. Another regimen would be tossed out, another round of something else started. I had received the news from my doctor's office as I was driving to Myrtle Beach, SC for a business trade show. I was on Highway 9, headed east on a route I had traveled many times.
Now, as an aside, on this highway, about 30 miles outside of Myrtle Beach there is an "Official
Welcome Center" for the resort beach. I always found that so funny because it made you think you were close to your destination when you were still so far from it. They also had painted the building an awful yellow with purple/blue trim and I always had viewed the building as an eye-sore.
Back to the road trip. As I was pondering the results of this latest blood test, I really started to
question God's purpose for this latest development. Actually, I think I started to rant at Him a bit, feeling sorry for myself and questioning His will in my life. I wanted to know: What was He thinking????, What was the meaning of this down-turn??? What was I supposed to do with this bad news???? What do I tell all the faithful who are praying for me???? What, what what????
Just as that last set of whats came out of my mouth, just as I finished my rantings, I came to the point in the highway where that "Official Welcome Center" sat. This time, instead of looking at the building, I looked right above it. And there was a billboard with God's answer in God's perfect timing just as I drove by. On that billboard was two words in huge print that said
"YOU'RE HERE" .
That's right. God spoke to me loud and clear that day. I was still here. Here to drive, work, laugh, love, LIVE. "You're here" He said. I was and I still am. As always, He was right.
"He sent his word, and healed them and delivered them from their destructions." Psalm 107:20
It was the spring of 2006. I cannot tell you what treatment I was receiving at the time, but all I know is that my tumor marker was on the rise again. Another regimen would be tossed out, another round of something else started. I had received the news from my doctor's office as I was driving to Myrtle Beach, SC for a business trade show. I was on Highway 9, headed east on a route I had traveled many times.
Now, as an aside, on this highway, about 30 miles outside of Myrtle Beach there is an "Official
Welcome Center" for the resort beach. I always found that so funny because it made you think you were close to your destination when you were still so far from it. They also had painted the building an awful yellow with purple/blue trim and I always had viewed the building as an eye-sore.
Back to the road trip. As I was pondering the results of this latest blood test, I really started to
question God's purpose for this latest development. Actually, I think I started to rant at Him a bit, feeling sorry for myself and questioning His will in my life. I wanted to know: What was He thinking????, What was the meaning of this down-turn??? What was I supposed to do with this bad news???? What do I tell all the faithful who are praying for me???? What, what what????
Just as that last set of whats came out of my mouth, just as I finished my rantings, I came to the point in the highway where that "Official Welcome Center" sat. This time, instead of looking at the building, I looked right above it. And there was a billboard with God's answer in God's perfect timing just as I drove by. On that billboard was two words in huge print that said
"YOU'RE HERE" .
That's right. God spoke to me loud and clear that day. I was still here. Here to drive, work, laugh, love, LIVE. "You're here" He said. I was and I still am. As always, He was right.
"He sent his word, and healed them and delivered them from their destructions." Psalm 107:20
Thursday, November 8, 2007
A glimpse
As I lay there in the PET scanner, I looked at the technician getting ready to snap those ever-threatening pictures of the "activity" of my disease. She wasn't much older than me, blonde, petite, and scurrying about with determined efficiency....the picture of health for a middle-aged woman. I thought about her as she disappeared behind the glass partition and I was suddenly and unexplainably overcome with a feeling of well-being. I could actually feel my healthy, fit body from seven years ago. What was this??? Was it an indication of what these pictures were going to show? (unfortunately not) Was is just the synapses firing in my memory banks, triggered by the sight of the technician???(too scientific for me) Or what is a gift. Yes! It was a gift from God, reminding me that my health lies with Him. That He has died on a cross for me so I can be healed. That my well-being rests in His arms even in the middle of a PET scan when the numbers look bad and the results are scary. In that cold, sterile, and often frightening environment, the Lord whispers "Trust Me" as the machine starts to whirr and click, reminding me that the He alone is my redeemer.
"Wherefore, sirs, be of good cheer: for I believe God, that it shall be even as it was told me."
Acts 27:25
"Wherefore, sirs, be of good cheer: for I believe God, that it shall be even as it was told me."
Acts 27:25
Sunday, November 4, 2007
444 days
On February 17th, 2004 I started an oral chemotherapy agent called Zeloda. I made the mistake of reading the package insert, looking for possible side effects. What I found in addition to those possible side effects was the data on the clinical trials for the efficacy of the drug when used in metastatic colon cancer. (the drug is crossed over for breast cancer) What leapt off the page, what I saw that is the reason why you do not read package inserts, was the average survival rate of the test subjects on the drug: 444 days. That's 1 year, 2 months, 19 days, in case you're wondering.
What a thing to see. What a time frame to put out of my head. I know that no one knows how many days I have; only God has them numbered. But still the number got filed away somewhere in the back of my head, submerged in the deep recesses. It flickered there every once and a while like a dim light in the back of a cave...444 days.
One early summer evening, I sat in church during a special service. We were in the middle of deep and personal prayer. I heard a whisper from the back of my head saying "count the days".
Count the days????Oh yes, the little memory flickered, and so I pulled out my check book register with the calendar part on it and set to counting.
The days were 527. I was amazed. I was so blessed. God was saying, "you see??"And I was slightly ashamed for ever letting the flickering candle of unbelief reside in the back of my head.
Tomorrow is November 5, 2007 and I will start back on Zeloda again. I will NOT read the package insert because I know those numbers mean nothing where I am concerned. I know that I know that I know that only my Lord, my Savior, Christ the Great Physician knows my numbers.
Just in case you're wondering.....it's been 1,353 days. But who's counting?
"I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life"
Deuteronomy 30:19
What a thing to see. What a time frame to put out of my head. I know that no one knows how many days I have; only God has them numbered. But still the number got filed away somewhere in the back of my head, submerged in the deep recesses. It flickered there every once and a while like a dim light in the back of a cave...444 days.
One early summer evening, I sat in church during a special service. We were in the middle of deep and personal prayer. I heard a whisper from the back of my head saying "count the days".
Count the days????Oh yes, the little memory flickered, and so I pulled out my check book register with the calendar part on it and set to counting.
The days were 527. I was amazed. I was so blessed. God was saying, "you see??"And I was slightly ashamed for ever letting the flickering candle of unbelief reside in the back of my head.
Tomorrow is November 5, 2007 and I will start back on Zeloda again. I will NOT read the package insert because I know those numbers mean nothing where I am concerned. I know that I know that I know that only my Lord, my Savior, Christ the Great Physician knows my numbers.
Just in case you're wondering.....it's been 1,353 days. But who's counting?
"I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life"
Deuteronomy 30:19
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