You are like Him

"I never thought I would end up in the field of oncology....you know, dealing with cancer," Rebecca said during a support group meeting the other night. I am not a support group kind of girl, but had decided to go see why she, Jan and the other girls would dedicate yet another two hours of their time to one Wednesday a month. "I never thought....", yeah, I'm with ya, sister. I never thought I would be 52 and still staring at this relentless monster everyday. While maybe the social workers in that room had had aspirations of helping cancer patients and their families, the rest of us, including sweet Rebecca, never thought we would be involved, entrenched, invaded by this disease. Whether you are the patient, the care-giver, or the medical support person, cancer tends to consume the make-up of your everyday life. Once you're in....you're in.

I thought about her statement quite a bit over the last two days. For me, these days have been filled with scans and good results, a new battle plan, continued amazement of what God has done for me, Ixempra has done for me,......and the confirmation of faith and hope. The times since Wednesday that I have spent in the scanners, the support group and the oncology office have once again inspired and humbled me. What an extraordinary group of women, (even the MRI and CT techs), God has put before me. The have chosen to be where they are to help little ole' me navigate a difficult part of my life.

Their position in life, their selection of oncology as their field of work is quite remarkable. They have to get involved with their patients on such a deeper level than most medical fields. Surgeons open you up, take it out, sew you up, and send you on your merry way. Even cardiologists, who deal with potentially life-ending conditions, usually do not have their hand on their patients so often, so readily, so intimately. I will always defend the position that the beautiful people into cancer treatment are the most amazing and incredible, caring and compassionate group I will ever cross paths with. It is a divine compilation, a God-given
occupation.

But the real crux of what I think about Rebecca's statement is, whether the "girls" are Christian or not and whether they know it or not, they are doing a better job than most of us at emulating Christ at His finest. He was never sick a day in His life, and yet He took on our sickness when He took on our sin. (Isaiah 53:5) The wonderful people at CCNC are doing the same.....they take on our sickness. They choose to become intertwined with our illness. They bear our disease with us. They help carry the crushing load of it all. I know God is constantly smiling at them for honoring His Son in this way.

So as I continue my journey and continue to move among the angels in Cary, I am always watching....always being blessed by what they all do. And I say to Rebecca, to all of them......you may have never thought, but I am so glad you did. And, most importantly, whether you believe in Him or not, when I watch you all and see what you do everyday....I see Jesus in you.

"And Jesus went forth, and saw a great multitude, and was moved with compassion toward them, and he healed their sick." Matthew 14:14

There is always the dawn.

This past weekend was supposed to be a celebration of family, renewal, resurrection.......Easter.
We were set to meet up with my daughter, her boyfriend, and his parents for an Easter lunch in Durham after church. I had bought Katie a new dress to wear. It was adorable on her. We had a great happy day on Saturday and then I headed home to take care of dogs, clean a little, get ready for Sunday....Easter....the celebration of the Savior's victory over death. A celebration of new life.

Instead of having that perfect Easter day, we had a BIG detour. Katie called on Saturday afternoon to say her boyfriend of over a year had broken up with her. WHAT???? Not now, not the day before Easter. What was he thinking???? How dare he break my daughter's heart on a celebration holiday. I just bought her a dress! She was hysterical....I was outraged. She got in the car and drove home so I could hold her, console her, spend what should have been a happy day in our pajamas together, talking about mistakes, forgiveness, love, jealousy, and the paths of life we all have to walk. Easter Sunday was a long, sad day.

I spent a lot of the day being mad over the missed holiday, the missed Easter. Every holiday is so precious to me. Had the boyfriend been in front of me, I would have let him know what I thought he had robbed me of.......how he should have thought about the two families that were hurt by his poor timing. He had stolen a potential wonderful memory from all of us.

But today is a new day. Dawn brings new perspectives. Today, I realize that even though we missed Easter, I really gained some very significant time with my daughter. She still needs me. She needed her mother, and God and medicine, blessings and miracles had allowed me to be sitting in Trinity, NC, waiting for her to pull into the driveway. I had so much to say to her. I told her how God had created her for His glory and she is walking the path he had put her on. When she stumbles, veers off course, forgets, strays.....she always has the opportunity to get pack on the path, learn from her mistakes, know she is loved and forgiven, and go on with life.....precious, wonderful life. I was able to make her see that know matter what happens to her, the one true constant in life is the Lord. He will never leave her nor forsake her and nothing she does will seperate her from the love of Christ. Life is about standing on your own merits, trusting in God, walking your path.

So this morning I believe that if we had done our Easter lunch, it would have been one of many holidays for her that later on in life just blur together as a bunch of memories as times tend to.
Instead, I bet she will never forget that, when she needed me most at the age of 20, I was alive and well and waiting at home to be her mom. It is another affirmation that I am supposed to be here, now, at this moment, on this day. It is another confirmation of purpose. When God whispered in my ear last November that I'm wasn't done yet, here was one of the reasons why.

She has left now, on her way back to school, back to classes and back to find out if he will stick to his guns, not see her anymore. This morning I told her it was a new day, a new dawn, and know matter what I will always love her and God will always stand with her. I helped put her back on her path and watched her drive away. I realized as the little red car turned the corner that I was so grateful......so, so blessed to have been around for the botched Easter of 2008. Thanks be to God. Thank you Maha.

"The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day." Proverbs 4:18

Walk With Me

"You need to ask Jesus for things you specifically want to do" my sister-in law said to me. We were talking on the phone the Saturday after my last treatment. I was a hurting puppy. Every muscle and bone in my body seemed to ache. I was in the bed...she had called for encouragement. I didn't know what to ask for at first. Then I said" I want to walk a mile without my feet hurting."
She told me that was a good start....but why limit myself to just a mile. Why limit what God can do in the everyday??? I decided that when I got back from my traveling, I would start.
The next day, as I was running errands, trying to get ready to leave for KY for a week, I was sitting at a stop light, wondering where I would do my walking. My neighborhood has too much construction and just one short street that is very hilly. Where would I walk? Of course, God had the answer for me right at that stoplight. I looked to my right and there was a church with a sign on its marquis that said "New one mile prayer walk now open." BAM! Thanks Lord. I now know where I will be walking.
But the story doesn't end there..no-no. God is so much bigger than we can ever imagine. Tuesday, I was packing for a short business trip to Myrtle Beach. A little whisper said "Pack your work-out clothes." Even though it took me some extra time to dig them out, I packed up a t-shirt, sweat pants, hoodie, and tennis shoes.
Yesterday, I woke up, put on the workout clothes and went to the beach. I started out to the north, toward some tall hotels, one with a cupola on top that looked like a steeple. "I'll walk that far," I told myself. When I got to the hotel, I felt like it wasn't time to stop. So I looked further north and there was a second hotel with the same steeple-like detail on top way on up the beach. That's where I turned around and headed back to my car.

Several things I will never forget about that walk:
It was the first true exercise I had done in over a year.
My feet never hurt me.
My knees never hurt me.
It felt effortless and natural
Even though I walked at a very quick clip, I never once felt winded
And when I got in the car to clock how far I had gone, it was exactly one mile to that second hotel. There and back was two!
I had gotten my prayer answered for the one mile walk, and God had added a second mile at no charge.
It just goes to show you, you can't but God in a box. I will be walking with Him from now on. I had always believed that I never walked alone....never did I expect it to be so literal. I thought about that "Footprints in the sand" saying that everyone knows. I was so blessed and humbled. that my footprints stayed strong and true in the sand for the entire two miles. God did not have to carry me, but He walked right beside me the entire time. I have to think He was smiling as big as I was.

"But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not be weary, they will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

A new covenant

I am back from a week-long trip to Louisville KY. We went to show dogs, attend dinners and meetings, see old friends we see only once a year....live in a different world for a short amount of time. A world of dogs in the bed, the same small hotel room for 6 nights, early morning show times, banquets, constant activity. When we got back last night, it was like my lungs could expand again, my brain could stop working overtime, my dogs could run free. It also marked our last big committment to others for the year. My husband and I can now pick and choose our weekends, our trips, our company, our time.

The past week also offered a new beginning for me. I have come home under a new set of medical circumstances, I have some breathing room, my brain can slow down about treatments and appointments and medical appeals. I received news this past Wednesday that I had a circulating tumor count (CTC) of under 5. Under 5 is huge. Under 5 confirms what the Lord has been whispering in my ear since November: "This is not your end...you have work yet to do...I love you and want you to be healthy and live longer. Under 5 is the start of a new direction of treatment for me....it marks a new covenant between me and Maha and the girls.

When Maha called me, I was outside our hotel, walking dogs and wondering...always wondering...when I would know if my drug, my Ixempra, was going to show us yet another great victory. Wanting so badly to know that God had yet again honored His promise to me. I turned to see my husband walking briskly across the parking lot with the phone to his ear...motioning for me to come to him. The hairs on the back of my neck (yes I do still have some) stood up. I knew it was her...I knew it was good. Suddenly, the possibilities could become reality. A break from chemo...breathing room...the start of a new covenant.

Hebrews 8:6 talks about the new covenants to beat all covenants. Jesus came to replace the covenants of old with better ones...and better promises. A better way to freedom, healing, and abundance. Suddenly, I felt like I did when I came to recognize the significance of the new covenants that Christ brought to the table. Old thoughts were replaced with thoughts of freedom and abundance...oh yes, and healing,

And so we will all embark next week on another path of healing and care and treatment. Because we now know we have replaced an old number with a new number, we also can replace old ways of thinking with new ways of thinking. We are looking ahead with a new promise, new freedoms of choices, new hope. It is another remarkable moment in time in my life. So get ready everyone, it's the start of a new covenant.

"By calling this covenant "new" He has made the first one obsolete, and what is obsolete and aging will disappear." Hebrews 8:13

The exchange

She was sitting in the very far, back corner. She was covered with a large, red comforter and nurse Lynn, one of the wonderful angels in the oncology office, was on a stool holding her hand and speaking in quite, hushed tones. I kept glancing over there, wondering if perhaps the patient needed another fellow soldier in the battle to speak to her, encourage her. She was obviously upset, there was a hushed quite in the room. The nurse stood up and hugged her and went back to work.

Later, when Lynn was not too busy, I asked her if she thought the patient needed a "cheerleader" (me) to just go sit and talk with her. It was then that I found out that the sweet, thin, tired and sad patient was on her way to a Hospice facility. Ouch. It was like a knife going through my heart. This woman appeared to be my age or younger. I did not know her history or her name, but I knew that my doctor's office, with all their strength, resources, medicines, care and efforts had not been able to stop the enemy. While my battles goes on, hers was ending. It was hard to sit there and think about that. So many "why" questions you could ask.

Instead, Lynn and I talked about how she as a nurse has to deal with seeing someone she has treated, cared for, and loved with so much dedication, come to the realization that this is the beginning of the end of her road. Her journey here on earth is nearing the end of the trail or the top of the mountain. Another soldier we are losing in this war. "How do you continue to do your job?", I asked. "I don't see how all of you (the nurses) can do this work and have to let someone go like that".

So Lynn told me how she does it. She explained that she always tells those patients like the woman in the corner all draped in red that we all are going to die in one way or another. We can't avoid it and we don't get to dictate how it happens. Lynn believes she was put here on this earth not only to be a nurse but to also help with the walk that is the final walk in this life. She is so right....she has been given such a heart. She is here to help with the journey. She is the hand you would want holding yours after you've been told the battle is over. She is the angel you would want escorting you to the gates of heaven. She knows her purpose and her talent. She would not ever want to be doing anything else, she says. I believe her. I also believe she speaks for Jan and Janet, Jennifer and Maha. That in addition to being in the business of medicine, the difficult and intense field of oncology to treat and cure. they are in the field of walking with us in our journeys. Each one, in their own way, helping us through it...getting us to the other side of cancer, whether it is out the door and just come back twice a year for check-ups, or out the door to life's end.

I realized that as somber as the scene was in the office that day, it also was a privilige to witness such a tender, intimate exchange between an angel and a soldier. It is a scene I will never forget. I also need to remind everyone who reads this, that one day "He will wipe every tear from (our) eyes. There will be no more death of mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Rev. 21:4

Great words of hope for anyone's journey.

We must speak!

Say the words. Why is it so hard to do for us? As Christians we find it very hard to speak out loud about the things we believe to be true. "Jesus died to save you and give you eternal life." How many times have you said something like that in a casual conversation? Hmm...m..m, let's see...I'm gonna guess not often. How about "Jesus has healed me."? There's another phrase that you don't hear everyday. It is a statement of faith. One that takes nerve. A bold statement, that when made to others puts a target on your back. Now they will be watching you, keeping up with your illness....looking for you to be proved wrong. Waiting to say, "what a fool to think that a miracle had happened."



In the world of cancer treatment, doctors and nurses are told "set your expectations low. Then you won't be disappointed and may be pleasantly surprised. Because of the science, sometimes the faith has to be buried....optimism put aside. I feel for them all. I know they are hiding the fact that they are constantly hopeful, waiting for a drug to work, a scan to be clear. They never speak the words of faith because they can't. For any number of reasons, they can only speak the words of test results, numbers, physical evidence......the language of cancer and treatment.

But I can speak the words of faith...I do NOT, will NOT stay silent.


In church this past Sunday, I stood up and told 300 people about what has happened to me over the last 3 months. My church is a church that believes in the supernatural healing power of the Lord. I felt they needed to know how prayers were being answered, stuff was happening, "healing" was going on inside me yet again. I willingly put a target on my back, saying the words, declaring the works of the Lord. "The Lord sometimes heals in pieces" I say. My pieces have been dropping tumor markers, less pain, more energy, impressive scans. And we are trusting in His promises that all the pieces will fit together into life, health...complete healing.

For the longest time I believed I was supposed to be speaking about what God was doing for me. God had something else in mind. When I wrote earlier in this journal, I explained that I had figured out that God obviously wanted me to write things down first. So I have been doing just that for the past four months. When I sat in church on Sunday, and the recurring theme was "declare His glory among the nations, His marvelous deeds among all peoples" (Psalm 96:3)", I asked for a little time with the microphone and got to speak. They had been playing a CD from a healing church in California that was nothing but accounts of healings that were taking place, so the pastor and I knew the timing was right...God's timing was perfect, because I know had so much more of a story now than I did six months ago. It was such a blessing for me and I can only hope it brought glory to God.

Now it is my prayer to continue to have opportunities to have stories to tell for the glory of God's work. And, as always, there is a postscript to this story. In Monday's mail, I got a postcard from the church announcing March events. The scripture quoted on the postcard was Acts 26:16b:
"I've handpicked you to be a servant and to witness to what's happened today, and to what I am going to show you." If there had been any doubt in my mind about declaring His glory at this stage and time, the words of Jesus arrived on a post card the next day to let me know there was no room for doubt. I am a servant and a witness to all I have seen.