Even though I walk

Well,
My body has betrayed my again. A certainly decent and tolerable treatment has stopped working for me. Now we are back to staging scans, meetings, and let's see what we can try next.
The shadow of this recent setback has not left me even after getting the news four days ago.
Next week we will find out all kinds of things: where, how much, what to do, how long. And I feel so "normal"!
What has the Lord planned for me this time? Am I under attack from Satan because I am beginning to share my testimony? Who knows! This is the grey area of cancer. Until the very end, there is very little black and white. I have always embraced the greyness of this disease when it became metastatic. Grey means we don't know but we're gonna try. Grey means no one has laid down hard and fast numbers. Grey means that even thought the future is blurry it is still a future. I am still in the game...I am still a soldier in the battles of this war. Time to pull up my boot straps one more time and face this new fight.
Above all, I still belong to a loving and wonderful God who is with me no matter what...every step of the way. I am His child and He has promised me many things and He does not lie!

"even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil, for you are with me.... Psalms 23:4

Habakkuk 1:5

Who ever reads the book of Habakkuk? It's in the Old Testament, in case you didn't know. I never could have told you that. I would have missed the Jeopardy question. But one day, in the midst of a very spiritual prayer group, God opened up my bible for me to page 792. A place in the Book where I had never been nor would ever go without His fingers doing the walking.

I had been in treatment for metastatic breast cancer for about a year. My scans were great, I was off chemotherapy and on hormonal treatments, and oh so thankful. YET, I still could not get over the feeling of doubt and uncertainty. What did my future hold. How was God manifesting His healing grace in me? How long would I stay healthy? How long would I live? Of course, the old enemy Satan never misses a chance to plant those seeds of negativity and disbelief in every one of us, and even though I had been witness to so much grace and mercy and miracles, Satan was still tap-dancing on the back of my mind...whispering his conspiracy theories and lies.

And so, just when I needed it the most, and as usual with His perfect timing, God jumped right up and said "Hey!" and knocked me off my feet with a little verse from Habakkuk:

"Look at the nations and watch--and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe even if you were told."

Oh my...oh yes! That was two springs ago and I am still utterly amazed...amen.

Broken to Beautiful

What are these things that I have lost in this never-ending struggle with a never-ending disease? From my once beautiful outer self, I have somehow turned around and in seven years lost my breasts, my shape, my muscle tone, my hair twice, all the lining of my mouth, nose and intestinal tract, three toenails, five fingernails, all my eyelashes, all my eyebrows, heck...every hair on my body at some point, my singing voice, and the feeling in my feet and my hands. I have lost the trust and confidence I once had in my healthy body.



Some losses I know are permanent...some have been temporary...all have been mourned in one way or another.



BUT I know without these losses, I would not still be here. These losses have actually gained me the ability to see my daughter grow into a beautiful young woman, build a house, outlive my father, stay working in a job with people I love, share summers and holidays, see Las Vegas, show a dog at Westminster Kennel Club..twice and share so much with my husband and friends. Most importantly I have gained such a close and dependent relationship with Jesus Christ.



From all the brokeness of this body that has withstood countless rounds of chemotherapy...too many to remember.....comes beautiful spirituality. Such a great reward for all the struggle.



I still miss my old body, but I do not miss my old self. The one who was so surface, so material,
so selfish. Breast cancer has taken away a lot of things, but I have been paid back in spades!



K

"I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.....Joel 2:25"

The Breast Cancer Boat

Are you in my boat? I used to try relentlessy to find someone in my boat. After being diagnosed with Stage IIB breast cancer in May of 2001, I was so desperate to find someone like me....young like me (45), node-positive like me (8), taking massive amounts of chemo like me, having a Stem Cell Transplant like me. I couldn't find another kindred soul like me back then.
I thought I was all alone in my boat.

Then, it dawned on me. I wasn't alone in this boat. No! I turned around and saw through my fear-filled eyes that my boat was full of people! Full of my family, full of friends and neighbors, full of prayer warriors, full of doctors and nurses. All of them were willing to step into my boat....my boat that was getting tossed and turned on the angry sea in the midst of the storm that was raging around me.

My boat was full and God's hands were there to hold us steady through the storm and see us all safely to the shore. I am still in the boat, still being tossed about in the eye of the storm.
But I am never alone. Almost seven years later, many people have stepped in and out of this boat....so many things have happened...so many stories to tell.

Are you in your own boat, feeling alone, frightened, dazed and tossed about. Take heart sister.
As the storm rages around you, you are not alone. There is a promise for you from your Father:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2