Don't You Trust Me?

It is the close of another year. 2007 has come and gone. It is hard to believe and impossible to describe all the ups and downs, high and lows, victories and disappointments. Above all and before anything else, I have to acknowledge that through it all, my Lord and Savior has never
left my side and never let me down. I have been so blessed to have been brought through the fire yet again to see the beginning of another calendar year, another survivor year. We are still fighting the fight, leading the charge, showing the way in the ever-evolving field of metastatic breast cancer treatments. Just when I seemed to run out of options, Ixempra was approved and I am doing well on my third round. Which leads us to the issue of trust.

Twice over the past 7 years, I have clearly heard the Lord say the very same thing in the very same quizzical whisper. Once, in the spring of 2004, I was in my attic, sorting some clothes for the coming summer season and setting aside some clothes for charity. Without thinking, I started putting summer shorts, sleeveless tanks, and a bathing suit or two in the charity pile. I know why I was doing that.....at the time I did not see myself as needing those things again. I was metastatic.....I did not know how my treatments would go or for how long.
I was even thinking that I may not be at the lake again, on a beach, on in a boat or taking walks for exercise. By the simple act of giving those clothes away, a small part of me was giving in. And then I heard the voice...barely a whisper..."Don't you trust me?" I immediately took the clothes out of the charity pile at took them downstairs to my chest of drawers. He was right, I did still need them. I do still wear some of them.

Just after Thanksgiving this year, I heard the same words again. I had just gone through the terrible skin-peeling side effects of too much chemo and my hair was shedding heavily. I decided that this go-around I was going to invest in a human hair wig. Those of you who are familiar with these wigs know that they are very expensive. As I was trying on the wig, which looked so much like my hair from 7 years ago, He said again, "don't you trust me?" For an instant, I almost didn't buy the daggone thing, but my ego got in the way. I liked the way the wig looked, and I didn't want to wait for my hair to fall all the way out. So I bought that wig and a funny thing happened. My hair stopped coming out. In fact, even though my eyebrows have thinned, my hair continues to grow. Amazing. I may end up losing my hair eventually, but that wig sits on my dresser as a reminder of money spent too soon and maybe wasted because I still,
in my weakest moments cannot let go and just TRUST.

2008 is here and I do not know what it will bring. I do know that my resolution, my mantra will be to trust; trust in the Lord with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding. Amen