What do you say?

What do you say when so much was said during my visit on Monday? Jan was missing, but it was so good to see every one else. "You look great." they said. The had heard about my 5k walk on Saturday, they told me. We talked about dogs and eyelashes and fingernails. Then, more serious stuff like representing the face of chronic breast cancer, having "aha" moments in life and the fact that we are not really sure where we are going with all this.

My physical exam went off without a hitch. Everything normal. I felt so great....I felt so free when I left there. So full of faith and hope

So what do you say when the phone call comes on a sunny day during lunch with your husband and your tumor marker seems to tell you that its all a pack of lies?? The number is up. No matter how great I feel, no matter how inspiring I may be, no matter how much faith I can muster, the marker....the maker or breaker...is creeping back up. The hormonal break may not turn out to be as we had hoped.

Despite the fact that I am still so hopeful. Despite the fact that I still have all the faith in the world in my God and Maha. Despite the fact that I am so much better off than this time last year, that the marker is still lower than it was for most of 2006 and all of 2007, I am so disappointed that the creeping kudzu of my disease is already beginning to worm its way back into the picture. Just when I had tucked it neatly away in my head...in my heart.

What do you say to every one who knows you? What do you write in this space? The truth is,
we really don't know where this is taking us. The truth is, that wherever we go from here, I am not alone, I am not afraid, I am not down-trodden. I am full of faith, and held strong by family, friendship and medical genius. I know we will all work on this with as much intensity and dedication as we always have. I know I will learn to look at this new number (216) with different eyes in a couple of days. I will head off to my dog show in Florida, have fun,
fool everyone around me, push back the creeping vines of a relentless enemy and be all the more stronger for it.

Just please, please forgive me if I don't know what else to say except I wanted a little longer stay at camp.......I needed a little longer break from the worry......and I hate it when I have to call with the update and I don't know what to say to those who love me. For once, I am at a loss for words.

"...hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first." Hebrews 3:14