Take it from my daughter

"Just enjoy it" There is a phrase that I have heard repeatedly over the past three weeks. For the past 18 days, for the first time in two years and 5 months, I have not had a Dr's appointment. I have not had any blood drawn, no tests run, to treatments given. I have not had an eighteen-day break, much less what will be a five-week break, from some sort of medical something since December of 2005. It is very strange and I have to say, a bit like going through withdrawal. For now, the drama, dread, anticipation, compassion, caregiving, empathetic and even joyous experience of active treatment has ended for me. It feels inactive and passive. It just feels weird.

I have gone through some dark hours trying to stay faithful and true to God and my path. It is so hard to trust when you feel like you are doing nothing. But my part of the path now is to do nothing. Nothing but trust, enjoy, believe. These times are the best of times and the worst of times. The best, for obvious reasons, the worst because suddenly, after years of intense attention from scores of wonderful people, I am alone. I am alone in the fact that the trust, the faith, the belief is entirely up to me right now. I am trying so hard to enjoy this respite, only to find that I am jaded, suspicious and cynical. Yikes!

When one of the nurses or my friends and family tell me to "enjoy it", I can't help but think that they all have a second, unsaid part to the sentence......"because you'll be back for treatment soon enough". They know this disease like I do. They, too, have been fooled before.

Only my daughter remains as the one person who does not know enough, does not want to know enough about what is and what could be to be jaded. She does not want to have anything but absolute trust that her mother is ok. She chooses to stay on the fringes of the medical details, the tests, the prognosis. She is happier that way and sometimes I wish everyone of us could stay that naive for a time....any time. All she knows is that I am living my life like always. Going and doing, loving and laughing, praying and praising.....living life to the fullest....enjoying it. A lesson to be learned from her. She believes I am still who I have been, still able to be there for her, still able to cook, kayak, boat, show dogs, show up when needed, provide funds and a shoulder and reassurance. Her position of never wanting to know the cold, hard facts and only paying attention to the mother who is before her on any given day allows her to enjoy me and believe I am enjoying myself.

So the next time someone tells me to enjoy this time, this little breaky-break, instead of having the "....." of the unsaid darken the back of my mind, I will have the child-like trust of a daughter come to the forefront. I will remember that she believes that I enjoy myself every day, because that is what I tell her. I will do as I tell her as long as I can, and show her every day that I can. If only for her, I will enjoy every second. Shame on me for being so jaded.

"....Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean." Jesus reached our his hand and touched the man and said, "I am willing.".........immediately he was cured." Matthew 8:2,3