People cover me every day. I wake up every day and know that I am covered from head to toe in prayer. I am confidant that someone, somewhere that I know...and even some I don't know...is praying for me and my health and healing. It is always humbling to think about. They remember me, even when I don't remember myself. So when I have a bad day like this past Sunday, when I am weary and sad and mad and just don't want to deal with it all, I remember them.
I also remember that sometimes, when we are in that very dark place of discouragement and despair....when we are feeling oh so sorry for ourselves, the darkness may be because God has us covered. We are covered so completely that we forget that this just might be Him holding us in His hands...waiting for us to be still, calm down, rest and recognize that hope is still ours and we are always His. I should know by now that just when I feel like I am lost in the darkness, God sends me light. He shows me just how human I am by giving me another miracle moment.
My miracle moment came last night at 5:19 p.m. when a very tired nurse practitioner knew
that I needed to be called then and did not wait until today. I was alone in my house with the impending darkness of the day and the dark whisper of doubt in my head. When I answered the phone, Janet asked if I needed some more good news. Boy, if she only knew. And so my angel of caring, mercy, and compassion let me know that my marker had fallen another 120 points. The number is 259. A number so low that the last time I had another marker near that number was so long ago it did not exist in the current file that Janet had in front of her. Oh my. Such light she delivered in the midst of my dreariness. Suddenly, my self-pity was replaced by such gratitude. God had delivered me yet again and Janet had been the messenger.
Looking back on the last few days, I really did not have a physical reason for doubting the great and wonderful things that God is doing. I had nothing but positive medical evidence that this chemo regimen was giving us some remarkable results. Yet, somehow, the weight of it all came crashing down on Sunday when there was snow on the ground and my hair was falling out.
It makes me realize that I cannot always be the strong one. That sometimes I have to just be still and let God take care of me. That if I just let go and trust Him, He will show me the way out of the darkness. This time the light came in the form of a number...259.
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18
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