The things we cling to. I have to admit, sometimes they are so trivial, and yet they are so important. I met with Maha last week. I confessed that I was not tolerating the Taxotere/Xeloda regimen as well as I had five years ago. The doses must be different, I said. Five years ago, I did not get this tired, I did not have trouble with my mouth hands and feet, I did not lose my hair. I could barely tell I was getting anything. What is different this time?
The doses are slightly stronger...but mainly my body is getting tired of all the chemo. All the drugs...so many rounds of drugs. I have stopped counting. And now I have a brand new side effect that I had been complaining about for weeks. I told Janet, now I told Maha. My eyes will not stop watering. It is such a small thing but so irritating. Imagine what it is like to look through your tears about fifty percent of the time. I am constantly wiping, dabbing and blinking.
Maha told me it is a side effect of Taxotere.....(wow, really???I had no idea)... but it could also be that because I had no eyelashes that dirt and dust was........"No!" I stopped her right there. I HAVE EYELASHES! They are just so wet and clumped together you can't see them. But if I put on mascara, they are there!!
She just nodded and I felt stupid, becuase I am clinging to my eyelashes. I am also clinging to my eyebrows. I am losing the hair on my head with a slow and determined shed. I have had my head buzzed to 1-inch all around to keep it from hurting so much. I have a re-styled wig ready to go......but I am clinging to the fact that I will keep my eyelashes and eyebrows. I know it is impossible to fool anyone with even the best wig if you don't have eyelashes and eyebrows. They are a small yet strong source of vanity for me. Keep them and I can look healthy to those who don't know me. Eye make-up stays in place; wig-bangs can be brushed aside without the fear of revealing no brows. Here I am, after so many years, so many side effects, so many lessons learned, so many turn-arounds, miracles and medical wonders......clinging to a pitifully small number of eyelashes who are hanging in there despite all the drugs. Tiny little soldiers lined up in the relentless rain of unchecked tears. The metaphor seems to sad to even write about.
So as I sit here today, the 23rd of March 2009....one week before my daughter's 22nd birthday,
3 weeks before my husband's 54th and 6 short weeks before my daughter's college graduation,
I feel foolish for the importance I have given to those eyelashes. I should feel nothing but gratitude and love and faith. When it comes to clinging, I know I should be clinging to big things, really important things...the one BIG thing. Like the Psalmist David wrote from the desert:
"Because you are my help, I sing in the shadow of your wings. My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me." Psalm 63:7-8
Again, I just need to remember. Remember that when I am clinging to the small things out of
vanity or stubbornness or fear, I need to let go and cling only to the Lord. And I need to sing in the shadows.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Kathy- I clung to the two or three eyelashes I had for months. I'd put mascara on them and pamper them like they were delicate little flowers. To others, I probably looked silly trying to save these few pieces of hair, but they were all I had & I was so proud of them. When I finally grew them back after chemo, they were beautiful...& then I started Herceptin, which is not supposed to have any effect on your eyelashes. Guess what...I lost them all again. I'm still on Herceptin, some have grown back & man am I proud! You can take all of the hair on my head, but w/o eyelashes, I felt so stripped of feminity. You're right, we have so many things to be thankful for, but it's also OK to complain every once in a while. You've earned that right!
Stay strong, my friend. You're in my prayers.
-Lisa
Post a Comment