What was I looking at?

Old woman in the wheelchair, too weak to sit up straight for a blood draw.
Bandanna on her head, defeat in her shoulders.
Old man who almost fell, weak at the knees, equilibrium lost in a sea of infusions.
Old friend from many chemos, so small in his chair and oh so thin. A once robust man being helped out of his chair.
Old friend from chemo at the front check-out. No treatment today and she is yellow, her skin the color of dried pasta.

What was I looking at? So much of the end of the road in the room yesterday. Gray, dull skin, emaciated bodies....resignation radiated. They watched me with interest, wanting to know where I fit into the whole equation. Happy woman, hugging woman, getting stuck and laughing woman. They probably have no idea that when I see them like yesterday, when they are all around and impossible to deny, for an instance I wonder if I am looking at me in the future. For just a fleeting moment, I wonder if the girls think that I will look like that one day, need their help to get out of a chair, slump over with lack of hope, turn yellowish-gray and whither away.

And then the moment is gone, and we are back laughing with one another, catching up, cheering up and loving each other. Because I know that the moments we have together...when Jan comes in on her days off to see me, when Gail and Jennifer and Jan and I laugh loud and long to turn heads and get some glowers (horse and a Coach bag?).....those moments are the true moments.
They are the moments to remember, keep close...those are the ones I'll be looking at for a long time. These shall stay in the forefront of my mind's eye.

In one of the most poignant moments of my life, my daughter turned to me in the middle of more that 20,000 people during Race for the Cure and asked, "Since this new drug has made you so much better, is it considered a cure?" Oh, my sweet little girl, if only I could have said yes. My heart split in half right there on the campus of Meredith college. I know what she was thinking. She just saw me walk a 5k race when nine months earlier, I couldn't walk across the parking lot at Carter-Finley stadium. She sees a stronger mom, a happier mom, a mom who kayaks and bikes and walks. She does not see slumped shoulders, dull eyes, hope diminished.

My prayers are many and fervent. We pray for many things. We are always praying for healing, hoping for a cure. But after yesterday, after seeing the end stage in multiples,
I pray my daughter, my girls...everyone I love...will never have to see me looking like death.

So let's get to it! I am strong, I am ready, and I am full of hope and faith. I want to always walk into the back room and have people wonder about me......how does she do it??? Why is she so cheerful???? How can she look and act so well? And just maybe...maybe somewhere between all this loving and laughing and hoping and trying to figure it out...we will get what we pray for.

"And so I say to you, whatsoever you desire, when you pray, believe that you have received them, and you shall have them." Mark 11:24