The Light Within

In the book of Matthew, Jesus tells us that we are "the light of the world" and that people should not "light a lamp and put it under a bowl" but rather we should put the light "on a stand" to "give light to the everyone in the house." (Matthew 5:14, 15)

I have always hoped that I did this during my journey through this cancer-ridden battle. I took these scriptures to heart in trying to encourage, uplift, and help those who are like me; those who are dealing with the relentless beast. To bring some small light into a sub-world of fear, pain, sickness, struggle, and confusion. To be a beacon in the night, was more than I could ever pray for, ask for, and hope to accomplish. It is the whole goal of my journal, the true purpose of baring my soul.

But there are times, my friends, when I know you all can sense that my light is dimmer that normal. There are times when I don't write because I am tired of it all, or too busy concentrating on my family and other aspects of my life, or, like the past two weeks, times when I retreat inside myself.....allowing to be pulled toward the darkness.... putting my light under a bowl so no one can see. The past two weeks have been my toughest since stem cell. The past two weeks have been a daze of pain and nausea and dizziness and weakness while my body adjusts to a new treatment plan. It has been both frightening and upsetting. I felt like I have fallen so far so fast into darkness, weakness and despair that it was going to take a miracle to pull me out.

And then I remember the light. The light within me. The light that has always been there. It is a small flicker today, but I know that I am better this day than one week ago. I believe I will be better tomorrow than I am today. Our hope and prayer is that estrogen is going to become my friend, that disease progression will stop without the use of chemo, that I will grow stronger and the light will once again go from a small flame under a bowl to a bright beam on a stand for all to see.

As I navigate my way out of the darkness this time, I will be putting the light back on its stand.
Slowly but surely you and I will begin to see the brightness grow, the flicker become a flame,
the hope return. Forgive me for keeping it hidden these past two weeks. Just know that whether you hear from me or not, the light within me is always there. It's just that sometimes it is hidden by the enormous blackness that we in the fight have to wade through every day.