I did something miraculous this past week. I attended a four day conference at my church. Guest speakers and ministers came every day to talk about the power of the Lord and the fact that He still wants to perform wonderful, miraculous things in our lives. It was great stuff.
What was so miraculous for me??? I was there all four days. From 8:30 in the morning to as late as 9:30 at night. We sat, we stood, we walked around, even danced a little.....two days it was more than 12 hours.
I kept waiting for it to "catch up" with me. Kept waiting for the pain in my hip to come and remind me of the darkness that was lurking in my bones. I slept every night with a pain pill on my night stand, thinking I would be bolted out of sleep by the screaming pain from my pelvis.....reminding me that I cannot do the same things as everyone else. Or that I should have known that my hip would give out and have to pay the price of 30 minutes of excruciating agony.
But the pill is still there. It is Monday morning, and that Vicodin tablet sits by a glass of water on the nightstand as a reminder to me to never underestimate the power of God when you are walking in a place that He wants you to be.
Not only is it unreal to me that I never had any pain, but I couldn't believe and neither could my husband, that I had the energy to put in four consecutive days of at least 11 hours of sitting, standing, and doing. I have to be honest....coming home several nights after nine o'clock was slightly disorienting for me. I am normally on the sofa by 7:00. So I had some mini-miracles.
It is now turning into memories, but it is a lesson I'll never forget in how good and faithful God can be.
When the conference was announced last winter and the dates began popping up on the church bulletins, I do remember wondering if I should even sign up. Would I be physically able to attend? Would I still be here??? I watched time go by and the conference grow near and finally trusted enough to register just two weeks ago, still thinking I would only attend several hours a day. How foolish of me to underestimate my God. I pray I will never forget this lesson.
And just to make me really aware that God was with me, showing me things, as always, the conference was kicked off by someone saying the exact words I had complained about in my last post. A church friend and dear, sweet woman whom I sat beside and hadn't seen since early fall, of course asked what had been happening over the last four months. After I had given her a brief history of all the treatments and ups and downs, she said, "But Kathy, considering all that, you look great." I told her that I didn't want to hear that.....I wanted to here of good number, great scans, working veins, etc. Her answer to me was absolutely perfect. Just what I needed to hear. Just what I needed to be humbled. From God's mouth to hers: "But this is your testimony. Just think what an encouragement you are when people look at you. Be thankful for what the Lord has enabled you to do."
Ouch. Forgive me. What a wussy I have been. So this is what I now want. I do want people to look at me and be amazed. I want them to think "how can this be?" For this is a big part of my testimony. Not only am I still here, but I am, relatively speaking, still going strong and I am strong in the power of the Lord. Amen
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." Ephesians 6:10,11
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I just read your article in Today's Charlotte Woman and decided to check out your blog. I skimmed thru some of it & will eventually take the time to read it all. I am a married female, I live in Cornelius,NC and I am a BC survivor (1 yr 9 mos). I was diagnosed at age 46 with Stage IV BC, the cancer had also spread to my bones. I underwent a mastectomy (which later decided to have the other breast removed for "peace of mind" while having reconstruction), I had 35 rounds of radiation and I had my ovaries removed. My cancer is Estrogen rec. pos. I have been on Zometa (for the bone) and Femara for the estrogen. I thought I was doing really well beating the cancer because the tumor maker numbers were coming down so well, but I was wrong. After going thru 14 more rounds of radiation to the pelvic area because of severe bone pain, I started having pains in my right side just under my ribs. The night before a schedule CT scan I woke up in excruciating pain and went to the ER. There a scan showed 2 lesions on my liver, one on each lobe. I was devastated. I couldn't cry though because I saw the look on my husbands face & felt I had to be strong for him. He has been such an Angel & so supportive thru all of this. We have been together since we were 16 yrs old and I feel as though I am letting him down because of this disease. We have planned our entire lives as to how we would grow old together and now I feel like there is no hope. My biggest fear is leaving him alone. We are so close and it saddens me the most to think I won't be here for him. We never had children, just the 4-legged kind.
I am now off all the other drugs and have had my 3rd round of chemo. I have next week off & then will take 3 more rounds over the following 3 weeks and then they will do a CT scan to see if it is helping. I am so scared. I made the mistake of looking on the cancer.org site and saw a statement that said something to the words of 'even with treatment the survival rate is no better with liver cancer.' I got so depressed. I feel so down and even though I have good support, I feel so alone. I have so much to live for. I am 48 now and have been working for almost 30 yrs with the phone company. I had planned to retire in June. As of right now, I don't see myself going back to work to finish out my time. I'm doing fairly well with the chemo, I'm mostly fatigued. My hair started coming out in clumps yesterday. At this rate it will be gone by the the first of next week. My sister & I plan to go look at scarves & wigs tomorrow. Hopefully that will help lift my spirits about myself. I realize God has a plan for all of us, I just don't understand why this is happening to me? Doesn't that sound selfish? I've never asked 'why me' before now. I just had so many plans when I retired. I've worked in animal rescue for years now & had planned to start a foster care for homeless animals once I had the time to dedicate to it. Just goes to show we should never put things off. But I wouldn't have wanted to leave that burden with my husband when something does happen to me. I've always felt close to God but have never really been active in a church. I never felt comfortable in the oversized crowds where I felt like I was just another number. And I tried a small church but I didn't feel comfortable there either. I know I should have probably kept trying, I just didn't feel the need, I felt my relationship with God that I shared from my home was enough. I've wondered if this is God's way of pulling me closer to him. I've had the urge or rather the need to have some outside spiritual uplifting, and I told my husband that I feel like I need to spend some time in a church. I talk to God all the time. I know He is in my life. I just feel I need more spiritual support from Him. Maybe, maybe not, a church can provide that. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I am in your boat. I don't know yet what all you have been thru, I actually got scared reading some of your stories so I decided to quit for now. But know that you are not alone. We all have our battles and with our faith, our hope and our spirit, I know we can get thru anything. I wish you the best of luck and a complete recovery. SJ
Post a Comment