I'm on my way

I'm on my way in. In to get my blood tested. In to get a physical exam. In to figure out what has been going on with me since the middle of October. I am leaving my house and driving for an overnight stay with my friend Jennifer so I can make an 8:30 a.m. appointment with Janet.
I have had a rough week. Bottomed-out blood counts, absolute exhaustion, previously unfelt pangs and twinges, unreal bouts of leg pain that prompted a 5:30 a.m. call for help. So unlike me....so unusual...so much like the cancer patient I have never been.

For the first time in quite a while, I don't trust my body and what it is saying to me. I don't trust the scans that were made last month, I don't trust the chemo they have been trying on me. I am down trodden, worn out, discouraged and don't feel invincible. Funny how feeling bad can do that do you. Despite the great days, despite the wonderful times, despite the power we have all felt of God and positive thinking and focused attitudes.....despite what has happened and been recorded over the past year.....despite all that......all it takes is a continual barrage of symptoms and setbacks for 30 days and I have had it. I feel defeated.

But I know it is just for this moment. This window of time when I am packing my little bag to make the one and 1/2 hour trip back to Cary. Back to where I have been going at least every 14 days from the day we moved away. It has to be close to 200 trips back. Back again...not wanting to go, knowing I need to. Back where the weapons and wisdom and empathies lie. Back to where we will sit down and figure it all out for the umpteenth time.
Back to finding out if this chem combo is working and if not, kick it to the curb and regroup.
Back to where it all began and will begin again.

Back to where hope lives.

"...we who have fled to take hold of the hope offered to us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul...." Hebrews 6:18-19