Too Much Life?

I had too much of my life crammed into last week. As I am sitting here, totally uninspired about what to say, I just start wandering back to last week. A week of too many "moments", too much drama, too many surprises...too much life.

Physically, it was not the best week for me. I am not tolerating my new combo of drugs as well as I'd hoped. The ever-present possibility of a sudden nausea ambush has begun to affect the way I approach each piece of food that goes in my mouth. I think also, that my old friend Avastin is causing my calves and sides to cramp....again at any given time. And then there is the new feeling of exhaustion......days of exhaustion....that comes on in the early afternoon and put me on my sofa much earlier that I would like. So each new day has become like a physical crap-shoot. I never know what the roll of the dice will bring.

Mentally, I have had to deal with another heartache for my daughter. If only I could transfer my life lessons into her directly. If only she knew how to stand alone and tall and strong in any situation. If only...and this is a double edge sword.....she could live without me for short periods of time when her life gets awful and she feels like she can't go it by herself. I do love feeling needed and don't get me wrong...I am SO-O-O glad that I am around to be her Mom and her supporter, but I am still looking for that sprouting of independence...HER faith...HER strength....HER confidence. Not me trying to give her mine.

We attended the CCNC support group together last Wednesday night, me hoping to give her some real perspective. It was such a raw and real place to be and it will be a whole entry in itself. The feelings and emotions that were shown there were more than most people are exposed to in their normal lives. Such an intense experience...so much to for her to learn...so much for us to discuss.

And then I ended up starting my girls' weekend beach trip with a trip to the emergency room. Hit by a fever of 102.4 in the wee hours of Friday morning, and already in Wilmington, Debbie had a small taste of how unpredictable living with someone in chronic cancer treatment can be. We spent three hours waiting, wondering, IV's running with antibiotics and saline. It turned out to be a urinary tract infection, but the possibilities of what it could have been were frightening. We prayed.....a lot. When we got the word that it was not low blood counts and an identifiable and easily treated UTI, we continued on to the beach anyway. I was determined not to let this small set-back get in our way. I cheated by drinking coffee each morning, but never did cheat by drinking wine. Not quite the "girls gone wild" (Ha! at our age) we had in mind. And it rained.....the entire time we were there.

On top of everything, I did not see my husband for five days. Schedules were not in sync......conferences and support groups to attend.....just too much life between us. Missing days we will not have back to spend together.

When I got back home from the beach trip yesterday, copies of Today's' Charlotte Woman were waiting for me. The article is out. My life before strangers, hopefully an inspiration. My husband and I both sat down in separate rooms to read it....both afraid to cry in front of the other...seeing it in writing in a magazine somehow making it more magnified.

My of my, where did all this life come from???? It seems a mess sometimes, out-of-control sometimes, not going the right way sometimes, hard to live sometimes. But it is still what it is.
It is my life and it is still wonderful. In between all the negative stuff crammed into last week,
there were still so many moments to remember, things to cherish, words to live by.
Time with Katie, seeing Maha touch her face, hugs and kisses, caring friends, walks on the beach, prayer, solace, relaxation, a haircut and color! So much life....but I now know after looking back, it will never, never be enough.

"This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live." Deut. 30:19