"Be Still and Know...."

People cover me every day. I wake up every day and know that I am covered from head to toe in prayer. I am confidant that someone, somewhere that I know...and even some I don't know...is praying for me and my health and healing. It is always humbling to think about. They remember me, even when I don't remember myself. So when I have a bad day like this past Sunday, when I am weary and sad and mad and just don't want to deal with it all, I remember them.

I also remember that sometimes, when we are in that very dark place of discouragement and despair....when we are feeling oh so sorry for ourselves, the darkness may be because God has us covered. We are covered so completely that we forget that this just might be Him holding us in His hands...waiting for us to be still, calm down, rest and recognize that hope is still ours and we are always His. I should know by now that just when I feel like I am lost in the darkness, God sends me light. He shows me just how human I am by giving me another miracle moment.

My miracle moment came last night at 5:19 p.m. when a very tired nurse practitioner knew
that I needed to be called then and did not wait until today. I was alone in my house with the impending darkness of the day and the dark whisper of doubt in my head. When I answered the phone, Janet asked if I needed some more good news. Boy, if she only knew. And so my angel of caring, mercy, and compassion let me know that my marker had fallen another 120 points. The number is 259. A number so low that the last time I had another marker near that number was so long ago it did not exist in the current file that Janet had in front of her. Oh my. Such light she delivered in the midst of my dreariness. Suddenly, my self-pity was replaced by such gratitude. God had delivered me yet again and Janet had been the messenger.

Looking back on the last few days, I really did not have a physical reason for doubting the great and wonderful things that God is doing. I had nothing but positive medical evidence that this chemo regimen was giving us some remarkable results. Yet, somehow, the weight of it all came crashing down on Sunday when there was snow on the ground and my hair was falling out.
It makes me realize that I cannot always be the strong one. That sometimes I have to just be still and let God take care of me. That if I just let go and trust Him, He will show me the way out of the darkness. This time the light came in the form of a number...259.

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18

Forgive my shallowness.

I have thought for two days about how I would write this next entry. I am torn between the blessing and the curse....back between the rock and a hard place.....beween gratitude and shallowness..........

"Were your ears burning last night?" asked Janet as she walked in for my exam before my next round of chemo. It seems that my case, my history over the past seven years had been reviewed the night before by a local group of physicians called the Tumor Board. It was really exciting to hear about their response to my latest progress and success with Ixempra. Everyone was impressed by how well I am doing. I told her and Maha both that it was such a blessing for me to know that my case was being talked about. A witness for the medical aspect as well as for my Lord. Wow. I wish I could have been there, hidden somewhere in the back to hear them talk about me.

So why is this victory so hollow for me today? Because no matter how much I write about my faith and hope and blessings. No matter how many times I declare the works of the Lord and my medical team.....it doesn't stop the ever-relentless reminders that my reality is that cancer
has taken its awful place in parts of my body and we are always fighting......
fighting the advance, fighting the side-effects, fighting the pain, fighting the depression, fighting the urge to just say "woe is me" and climb in the bed for a whole day. The reminders are everywhere...I cannot hide from them. And now, as I suspected it would, my hair is falling out for the fourth time. It is time to use the wig that is sitting on my dresser. Now, at least for a while, every time I look in the mirror, denial will be impossible, for I will be bald. I don't care what kind of woman you are, that's a hard pill to swallow.

And so, amid all the wonderful news of the past two weeks, I am dealing with yet another loss.
What am I?? Some kind of ingrate? What is a little hair when I have come from the dark depths of that awful phone call on November 1 to the wonderful calls of January 3rd and 10th? I wish I could tell you why it is such an issue, a tear-producer, a defeat. I think it has always been because I cannot look healthly without hair. I now will look like someone with cancer again. An unavoidable reminder......

So joy and gratefulness and blessings are now intertwined with sadness. A sadness that will go away shortly as I get on with my life, living it with everything I've got, praising God ....always praising God. He knows where I am caught. He knows this place between the rock and the hard place. And faithfully, He will pull me out of it and set me on solid ground with my feet pointing forward, my hands lifted, and my bald head held up high.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

We're Steppin' Out!

I was a bad girl. A group of life-long friends came to my house for the weekend. Debbie and David came from Greenville, SC for Debbie's birthday. Val and Scott came from Wilimington to help celebrate. Saturday was one crazy, fun-filled day. Lunch during the game; tenderloin, chicken salad, pasta salad, dip, pretzels, nuts, birthday cake, beer for the guys, cosmos for the girls. A trip to Childress Winery for a wine tasting where we were joined by my older brother and his wife. A big table amoung the fermentation vats in the winery where we ate cheese and olives and drank Sangiovese and Chardonnay and Cabernet Savignoun. We told tall tales and
laughed until our cheeks hurt. Then we went back to my house, changed into spiffy clothes and went out to a wonderful, intimate restaurant for dinner. (we took a cab, by the way.) More
wonderful food, more wonderful wine, more funny stories and more birthday cake. We laughed all the way home in the cab and some more while sitting around the fire in our "pjs". I went to bed with my stomach hurting not from the overindulgence of food or drink, but from pure gut-laughing.

And you know what??? I could do it all, bad girl that I was. I could drink a small cosmo, eat ballgame food fare, taste lots of wine and still have a glass with my cheese and olives, eat rich food for dinner, stay up past 9:00 p.m., wake up the next day and make breakfast for everyone and then not even come close to collapsing when everyone left. My husband and I spent Sunday afternoon walking around an RV show pretending we wanted to buy a big one.

Incredible. I haven't had a weekend like that, (where I had so much fun and did so much stuff that I felt compelled to ask for forgiveness) in over a year. And the group we had assembled for this weekend, coming right on the heels of my great news about my CAT scan, was perfectly aware of the fact that even though we were celebrating Deb's birthday, we were celebrating life itself. Our wonderful lives woven together over the past 40 years. Not always perfect but always so precious.

So when we spiffed up for dinner and complimented each other on how good we all looked and stepped into the cab for the ride to the restaurant, we were really stepping out on faith. The faith that had brought us this far together and we believe will continue to keep us going together. Our ability to celebrate our love and lives together, rarely being hindered or reminded in any way of my circumstances, was such a great reward for our ability to step out in faith every day that God is with us, hears us, loves us and wants us to have and share our victories. Even if it is something as simple as steppin' out for a night on the town.

Do yourself a favor and step out on faith. Believe God for what you know to be His will for your life. Your rewards will be great and they will be varied.....anywhere from spectacular scans to spectacular birthday weekends. I am so eternally grateful for both.

"But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavers is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed." James 1:6

Should I..??

"Should I plant a lot of corn or just an acre?" the man with CML asked Janet. What a question for her to have to answer. Was he asking because he didn't think he could handle the work or was he asking because he didn't believe he would see the harvest. It turns out that it was about the work, but it got me thinking about the harvest....

When you are given bad news, catastophic news about your health, there are always questions about the harvest. I have read about many of them, have asked many of them myself. When you are unsure about your future it is so hard to look past the darkness that threatens to surround you and make decisions based on future events or possibilities.

I remember reading about a woman who asked her doctor, after he told her about her node-positive breast cancer diagnosis, if she should buy cheap carpet for the house she was renovating or the beautiful, expensive plush carpet she had wanted?

One colon cancer patient asked if she should sell her large, beautiful home for a smaller place to live so her children would have fewer things to deal with after she died.

I myself wouldn't buy a winter outfit before my stem-cell transplant for fear of never being able to wear it.

These questions we all asked when we are dealing with our own mortality...when something has invaded your body and threatens to overtake it.

What does God say about this??? He says "let us not become weary.....for at the proper time we will reap the harvest if we do not give up" Galatians 6:9

What this says to me is you have to plant your corn based on the work because you have to believe you will see the harvest.
Plant tulips in the fall so you will see them in the spring.
Don't sell your house because you may still be here 4 years later wishing you hadn't. (she does)
Go for the good carpet because you may be walking on it every day for years to come. (Her Dr.'s answer)
Buy the outfit because it may haunt you to this day as a symbol of your lack of faith. (it does)
Take out a four-year lease on a car. (the lease is up this sping.)
Put away your Christmas decorations with the belief that you will be putting them up again before you know it.
Don't be afraid to purchase advance, non-transferrable airline tickets.
Believe, like Sue, that you will see your grandchild and go to China and one day be able to "take a vacation from cancer."

Don't become so weary that you give in before you have a chance to reap what your faith and belief and medicine can sow.
Set your sights on something out there in your future life just as if there was no diagnosis to get in your way. You just never know.

Take it from me and the people who love me, you just never know how many harvests you are going to get to see.

Faith is the Hand....

"Faith is the hand that receives from God. When we choose to reach out and take hold of God's blessing by faith, we become overcomers......" Mark Brazee.

This line was in my daily devotional from October 31, 2007. That was also the day that my "bad scans" were run. The last time I had a CAT done until yesterday.

Ever since the day of the bad scans I and my team of family, friends, nurses, and my doctor,
have all had our hands out. In one way or another as we tried to figure out what to do to stop the assault and advancement of metastatic disease, we have all been reaching out to our God and, by faith, hoping for a blessing.

In the past months, I know all of you have had your hand out for me. Raul, Katie,
Ken, Fern, Jackie, Keith and Brenda have lived through seven years of ups and downs and still their hands have always reached out or their hands have been on me.
Debbie and Jennifer, Nancy, Tim and Anne, Harlowe Val and so many others have never drawn their hands back; never stopped praying, never given me anything but positive encouragement, always reaching out on my behalf, believing in receiving.
Maha and Janet have had their hands out while always working to try and figure out how they would treat me in the next round, how we would fight our next battle. They have given so much of themselves, helped me in countless ways and kept up an admirable balance of science and faith, reaching out for me that I may live a longer life....so dedicated to me and others like me.....hands out and reaching. Hands up.
My girls in the back......Jennfier, Jan, Gail and Lynn. Arms always out and extended in encouragement and love. Reaching their hands to receive blessings from God on my behalf. Giving me the next treatment, the next best hope, through my veins, yes, but also through their unwavering belief that they are helping me live that longer life. Their professional and gentle hands are always on me and up for me.

Everyday since the "bad scans" I have felt everyone's hands. Your hands cover me with love and comfort and faith and medicine. Your hands stretching forward, open and asking, allow me to believe even more in what we are doing and more importantly what we can do together when we reach out to receive and become the "overcomers".

My beloved ones, most of you know that yesterday I had another Cat scan run. 71 days after the bad scans, Janet called me to tell me that we had won yet another battle....and in a big way.
The enemy is retreating; there is "marked improvement" , we have become overcomers yet again. I believe without a shadow of a doubt that I have received this wonderful news, had yet another victory not only because I have chosen to receive by the hand of faith, but all of you in your own unique ways also have chosen to take hold of God's blessings on my behalf.
And while I celebrate, praise God, and hop around like a bunny rabbit from joy for myself,
I also am so so happy for all of you, my faithful beloved cancer-fighting family.

Deuteronomy 30:19 says "I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore
choose life." I believe as we go forward on this journey together that this is what we are all doing. We all have our hands out, choosing life...for now, for years from now, for eternity.
A lesson for us all that sometimes we cannot be moved by what we see or feel, we have to just put out our hands, ask for the blessing and move by faith.

How goes the battle?

"How goes the battle?" the pastor asked this past Sunday. "Great!" I said. "I've had some great news to start the new year."

What I really wanted to say to him was,"how much time do you have to listen? The battles go on. "

Some of these battles I have won with spectacular and magnificent results. Some of the battles have been lost with stunning surprise or slow defeats. All of my battles have a story. All my battles have divine presence and purpose. All my battles involve a large and eclectic mix of soldiers who make up my family, friends, co-workers, and health-care providers. My personal army here on earth joined with heavenly forces led by the Greatest Commander.

My battles rage on every day. But every day I can wake up and know that even though sometimes I feel like running from the fight, waving the white flag, going AWOL...I cannot forget that my soldiers are waiting to face the day with me. We will fight like we always do with prayer, encouragement, belief and hope. We lose some, we win some, we never give up.

"How goes the battle" can be answered in so many ways, but more importantly than any answer about the battle is our opinion of the war. We are standing on The Word and the Promises that when it comes to the war, victory is our only outcome.

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds." 2 CO 10:4

Psalm 118:17

So. How do you measure a miracle? Most people think of miracles as huge lightning-bolt moments where instantaneous and unbelievable events take place. My loved ones, my friends, my prayer warriors and my medical support team know otherwise.

They have been living a constant miracle with me for the past seven years...particularly the past four. I have had so many of them assure me that God had plans for me, plans for a long life, plans for me to bear witness to His greatness and love and faithfulness. There have been times,
like this past October, when my tumor marker sky-rocketed and my scans showed bad developments, when my faith in all this has been momentarily shaken, but my faithful, loving friends, family, doctors and nurses have always gotten me back on track through their unwillingness to give in to what the reports say. They have remained true in their belief that God is with me and I cannot, for one instant, give up hope.

Well, He did it again. Another miracle came my way in the form of a tumor marker that dropped so far so fast, that even I, who have gotten constant phone calls about my marker,
couldn't believe the response that Ixempra/Xeloda gave me. In only six weeks time, I suddenly
have a marker as low as it was in July...before the days of "oh its in your liver" and "now its even in your brain". Who'd have thunk it? All of them did. Somewhere in their hearts,
my family, friends, and medical team were thinking we were going to have a success here.
In the back of their minds as in the back of mine, we tucked away the possibility of failure and focused on the hope of positive results. And all of us, in some form or another, prayed for another miracle and we got it.

Last week, when I was leaving Maha's office, I told her that I did not really expect to be standing with her, feeling so good, hoping for progress after her conversation with me last
November 1. We were shaking our heads and smiling. She hugged me and said, "you are my miracle girl." And even though complete healing has not taken place, even though we still are in the midst of the fight, the storm, the fire, she was right. Hope and faith and miracles are alive and well in my life. We all continue on , standing on faith, loving our God and each other. It is a spectacular thing to be a part of.

So my miracle arrived on Wednesday in the form of a phone call from Janet with the news of the tumor marker. (thank you Janet for your love, compassion, and obvious delight in my victory!)
I am so blessed. I am so loved. I am so much a witness for the faithfulness of God and the healing power of our Lord Jesus, even when it comes in pieces.

So, we will take hold of God's Word, stand in faith----and then keep standing.


"I will not die but live, and proclaim what the Lord has done." Psalm 118:17